Into '20, and closer to 40

Honestly, I really didn't think too much about the significance of a new decade. 2020 is but another year to me, although of course it has a nice ring to it. The title of this post is a mere effort to find some meaning or rhyme of sorts to mark the start of this year (and my last year as a thirty-something).

Dare I proclaim yet another attempt at more consistent blogging? I do make an exercise of determining some areas that I would like to continue working on, to better the best version of myself which is a constant ongoing process. And despite what I just said about time being a transient concept, the brain has been wired to take the start/end of a year as a time of reflection - a useful checkpoint of sorts to look back on achievements and growths, challenges and heartbreaks. I celebrate all the blessings and friendships I still maintain (or even lost), and give thanks for all the memories and experiences gained.

Rather than bore you with the full list of resolutions I've made, here's the summary of my so-called theme of this new year: to maximise the limited hours I have each day, by spending it wisely on things and people that matter the most. Each minute should (to my best effort), either bring joy (or at least some value) to someone else, or at the very least to myself.

And yes, blogging/writing qualifies (at least in bringing myself joy, lah). Heh.

Whether you are one who sets resolutions, my best wishes to you: for a year of strength, health, adventures and love.

2020, let's go.

mindless rant

Why, hello there strangers. :)


Where have I been? What have I been doing, or not doing? What are my grand plans for this year?


I've really ran out of words or excuses now. Just, life. Work. Random adulting stuff.


Each day is about getting by, one day at a time, hopefully with more items struck off my to do list than new ones piled on. With (even more) hopefully, minimal distractions and procrastination.


Rinse, repeat.


Breathe.


This daily grind takes the energy out of me, more mental than physical most days. And the flesh, is as weak as the spirit, so most evenings we all curl up on the couch or bed, refusing to think or do anything constructive.


UGH. It's no way to live, and I know I need to snap out of it.


Baby steps, it takes. I know.


Slowly, surely, I will reclaim my life, one teeny minute and mini-goal at a time.


Starting with this post. 😁

Almost done, 2017?!

The clock struck 12 at noon today, and the dependable test chime played nationwide on our Public Signal systems to signal that all is well, and the systems are working fine, for the last time this year (it's sounded at this time every first day of the month). While hearing that always brought a sense of comfort, I couldn't help but sigh a little with incredulity.

How is it already December, the last month of the year?? As much as I always accepted that time just flies by faster and faster each year, it still feels surreal that we are nearly done with 2017 and before you know it, it will be yet another brand new year.

Somehow, for most of the loved ones, including myself, it seemed to have been a huge year, full of drama and big changes. Now that we are in the final stretch, instead of winding down, things just seem to have gotten even more intense as everything culminates to the end of 2017.

Time to buckle down even more and maximise my achievements and goals for the year. Go go go! May we have lots to give thanks and be proud of when we reflect on the year past, come 31st December. :)

A hop, skip and jump

Back to present blogging. :D

How many of you have seen this coming? Hurhurhur.

Well, thank you for not rolling your eyes in my face, and just going along as I keep going around in circles, stubbornly running myself deeper and deeper into this deficit writing debt.

What matters is now, and to keep going.

I will still endeavour to finish the backup posts, but no more pressure, so I don't have any excuses to write about what is happening, or has happened today, or yesterday. :)

So here we go again. :)

Two by two

The latest of my attempts to catch up on my posts here. Heh. I can't decide whether I should be impressed or exasperated by myself by the various times I have tried and not managed to stick with a proper posting routine. But I shall persevere still. :D

So this idea came about as I was overwhelmed thinking about the backlog piling up, and feeling like I may never get up to speed with my content here - some days I just want to write about things happening now, but then I think of all the catch up I needed to do and wonder if I will even remember what I wanted to say by the time I get to "now". Yet, I don't want to just "heck it" and pick up from here. Oof.

And this is what I am planning to do now, post an up-to-date post (or two), and also a historical one from where I am trying to pick up from. That way everytime you go back by a post or two, you are still catching up on my "catch up". Theoretically it's a sound plan eh?

Let's see.

Here we go, again. :D

Ripples and waves

So, I dropped a bomb last Friday. 

Only, I was not prepared for the extent of the reactions triggered. 

Ripples, waves and whirlpools that have already been brewing, now seem to be gathering force. There's no telling where or how this would end or develop. 

I am in the centre of it, but then not really affected. Of course I am deeply heartened by the extreme reactions of shock and dismay, and even more surprisingly, the concerted efforts that have been shown, by not just a handful, but the majority of powers that be, to try and keep me. That's truly beyond flattering. I knew my work was valued, I just had no idea how much, till now. 

No matter, I have weathered my storms and went through many rounds of reflections, ruminations and navel-gazing. It's the right time and space for me to move, so I shall just watch how things unfold, from the eye of the cyclone. 

The end, begins

Just a post to mark this date - the commencement of the end of a chapter.

There are remnants of angst, and some loose ends to be tied, or severed, we shall see.

But mostly, the heart is leaping and cartwheeling with relief.

Such lightness, and joy. A brilliant start to the weekend. :)

Happy day!

A piece of most uplifting news arrived in my inbox today. I could barely contain my grin or jubilance. 

A new chapter awaits. Filled with hope, sunshine, and a refreshing breeze. 

I know it will not be all peaches and cream, of course. There will be plenty of challenges and lots of learning involved. I need to reset some of the things I had gotten a familiar grasp on, and rehone the senses to gain new sets of knowledge, establish new networks and relationships. 

All a tad daunting, but also so exciting too.

:D

I can't wait, but in the meantime, I need to close the preceding chapter and make sure that's done nicely, gracefully and graciously. Because I wouldn't and couldn't do it any other way. 

That's all I can say for now, but more will be revealed in time. Stay tuned!  

A quiet weekend afternoon

The weekend before AB's parents arrived, he was also away on business, so I had all the time to myself. Went to the gym, read, and ran a number of errands that I hadn't managed to complete in the course of the week.

I took some time to sit down at a cafe with a lovely kopi-o-siu-dai and the laptop to prepare for some upcoming meetings. Exciting meetings that present a bright light at the end of an increasingly claustrophobic feeling tunnel. Some days I rush along my tasks, focusing on value I can deliver so I don't get swallowed up by negativity, some days just feel so long and heavy, that I entertain the thought of just running away first to get myself out of the angst.

I realise that with age, I am no longer that carefree soul who just exits when she deems her current situation no longer viable in the long term. I have learnt to bode my time, calculate the pros and cons, and conclude that it's best to stay the course and just do more to help my case. I still continually work on delivering the best that I can, but I also do so without anymore inclination to find the next steps in this path. I will stay for as long as I can, but no longer than that.

On the other hand, this current opportunity feels like a refreshing gust of sunshine-infused breeze, reminding me of how I'd felt at the beginning of this dying journey. Energised, motivated, full of positive vibes. It's not just a potential ticket for my next destination, but also one that I truly am amped to get onto.

That's how my constant state should be, not the occasional bursts of satisfaction from being appreciated or seeing the value of my efforts.

Let's see then. :)

Fragrant black coffee and my trusty Air. :)

Huff and puff

On many occasions on recent days, I look at the backlog of posts I need to complete to get on schedule, and grimaced. What a looong list!

It just seems like a snowball on some days, growing bigger and bigger every day that I miss out on posting.

I suppose I can change my tack and not insist on having a post per day, that will definitely make my life earlier and the heart pump a little less frantically.

But. 

A commitment is a commitment, even if it's a promise made from one to oneself. Especially if so, in fact.

So I shall trudge on, and continue chipping away at my drafts, one day, surely I will be on time, dare I say even ahead of it. That will be the ultimate goal. :D

Did I just bang out a post to lessen the difference, talking about my attempt and mental struggles on this? Possibly, hehehehe. Yet, it truly is a record of how I am not giving up this time.

So let's put this down, for posterity. :)

Not ready to let go yet

Just the other day, I was reviewing the blog, and bemoaning the fact that I'm still stuck on that ONE book I've been reading for months. This was painful to acknowledge, alongside other interests that I used to spend so much time on, but barely if ever feature in my life these days. 

But there are only so many hours in a day, and so many days in a week. And I can't help but feel like life has caught up with me - between work, gym and other workouts, spending time with the loved ones and other random social activities, I just feel time-poor most of the time. 

I can't be like a child anymore, and read books through the night or all weekend.

Or practise for hours on the piano until I feel that satisfaction from having the fingers fly over the keys smoothly, playing notes that don't clash, nailing the rhythm and beats. 

Or set aside time on the court, mastering my serves, forehand and backhand till I get the hang of hitting that round yellow/green ball with some measure of confidence. 

Or hit East Coast Park for hours on a weekend morning/afternoon, whizzing about on my rollerblades, my favourite tunes on shuffle in my ears, wind in my hair and the mind in recluse mode. 

Or can I? 

Perhaps I have outgrown some of these, or perhaps I just need to manage my life and time a bit better, to reshuffle the schedule and make time for more of these things I love. 

I'm not ready to let go just yet. 

It's time to do some serious planning, then implement those plans with more effort than my current lacklustre attempts and see what I can or cannot do. I know it's not impossible, I see amazing girlfriends do that (talking about you Impy), so I'm determined to try and emulate some of that, before I admit that I'm just a lesser human and skulk away, tail between my legs. :p

Go me!

无可奈何

忍无可忍，也就无须再忍。

简单非凡，一点都不复杂。

生命短暂，真的不该虚度在无奈与彷徨中。

去意一定，仿佛胸口与肩膀都豁然轻松了许多。

走着瞧吧，我会过得更好，应为每个人都有权利追求自己的快乐。

:)


Disclaimer: I'm perfectly fine and this has nothing to do with matters of the heart, so please don't be alarmed at this possibly over-dramatised heartfelt reminder to self. Heh. 

Theme 2017: Control

I'm one of those annoying individuals who start the year with a hefty list of resolutions, all bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to conquer the world (or just my tiny little one). That said, I say with some degree of pride that I also belong to that minority who actually managed to achieve most of their resolutions. Not all of them of course - I like to aim high, so it's inevitable that some things will fall short despite my best intentions.

I haven't always been that successful though. One main reason behind the great hit rate in recent years is a new(ish) habit I have cultivated of setting a theme of sorts for the year in recent years. The process of determining a key focus helps me to identify the main changes I wanted to effect in various aspects of my life, and sets the tone for my resolutions. It helped to keep me focused and on track to achieve most of what I'd like to improve on in the ever-ongoing journey of bettering myself.

First, a quick recap of the year past. Like I've mentioned before, 2016 was all about mindfulness, and while I have made some good progress on that front, it is still very much work-in-progress and something I am continually trying to get better at. To accomplish that, I decided that I needed to really centre in on my key weakness, and that's how theme 2017 was borne - "Control".

Ah, control. That one thing that I crave and dread at the same time. I confess that it's what I battle with on a daily, if not hourly basis. It can be exasperating having the countless debates with that lazy delinquent sloppy inner me who is probably eternally 3 years old, only wanting to play and not do anything constructive every second of the day. On the other end of the spectrum, I feel so awesomely invincible on days when I am truly in my element, breezing through all the plans I had set out to do, sparing nary a glance at distractions that threaten to derail my goals. Those days, I feel so powerful I could almost feel the wing beneath my wings.

Yet, all too often I lose that tug of war, and wind up feeling defeated and resentful for my failures, most sore because it was all me and nothing else that hindered my progress. UGH. It truly sucks to feel like I've squandered precious hours or days that could have been of so much more value than doing mindless bimbo stuff, or just, nothing.

I guess the one positive quality I can credit my inner spoilt brat is that it certainly is strong-willed. :p

Anyways. That's that. And I'm rather tired of feeling like I'm wasting my life away, simply due to my character defect, and not because I am actually incapable of achieving those aims. So there, I have committed 2017 to seriously declaring war on that si gi na - I am too old for this shit. And there's too much I want to do.

Take that, 2017. I will win this one. ;)

My love affair with words

Growing up, I was that child who simply LOVED learning, especially language and words. I delighted in learning the names for everything - parts of my anatomy, actions, things, people. The alphabet as well as the different strokes making up Chinese words, were simply magic to me in how they group to form countless words and characters that helped me make sense of the world around me, and communicate with others.

I revelled in feeling each syllabus, consonant and vowel roll off my tongue, as much as the "zh, ch, mh, fh" of Mandarin.

While my brother, older than me by three years, exasperated the mother by having the attention span of a goldfish when she tried to read to him, I sat by their side, enraptured by the stories she read to him, soaking everything up like a thirsty sponge.

And that was the beginning of my deep love for words. I was spellbound by the fictional world, and later the non-fictional one. Stories of romance, fantasy, adventure, survival and mystery enthrall me no end, and entice me from normal life all too often. I bury my nose in books wherever and whenever I could, ever yearning to read more, learn more, laugh, cry and frown in the magical tales spun from writers' pens.

From this love of reading, came the love of writing. That was my favoured mode of communication as a borderline introvert - while I enjoy conversation and getting to know others, I much prefer listening and observing, rather than sharing my own thoughts and opinions. As such, I find much more comfort in writing, where I can express myself better, often with the luxury of time to find the perfect words to describe what I was trying to relate. The eternal dreamer in me also love transforming the images and events from my fantasy world onto words. There is a great satisfaction that comes from getting a phrase just the way I imagined - you can almost hear the "click" as it all falls beautifully into place.

This love of writing is what drives my blogging. I love creating with language and words, a figment of my mind that I don't mind sharing with the world. I constantly walk the balance between what I'd like to share, versus what I would prefer to hold close to my heart, like secrets with myself, or a very choice group. Another reason which compels me to blog, is just for posterity - to mark for myself, what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing at this point in my life. Sure I have my memories, but those are not the most dependable. The greatest moments will etch themselves deep in your mind, but without some form of record, you may forget some of the precious details that make that moment so wondrous. Those other slightly less momentous ones that are no less magical, could use some help from writing to be remembered and savoured again. The little pleasures, and beauty in life.

That, is what kept me from giving up on blogging. It will never be replaced by other social media platforms, which are more convenient or time-efficient, but lack the freedom to create as I like, without character limit or the need for visuals all the time.

After all the time I had been gone, I have lots to catch up on, but it's never too late to start, again. And this time, I will make a proper attempt to do so. Because it is what I enjoy, and I'd like to do it more.

It's a love that's constant, and ever reliable. I'm a little rusty no doubt, but as with all skills, time and more practice will make this a little smoother, slowly but surely.

Thank you for always being there for me my love, I promise to be more present now. :)

2017: Another new (re)start

Hello my dearies! (pretending that this space is not dead, ok.. dormant.) I thought it would be a good start to the year to make yet another attempt to revive this blog. :p

Yes, I know my track record hasn't been great but hopefully third (or is it fourth?) time's the charm. Heh. As compared to the last few times where I was just filled with enthusiasm that ran out of steam rather quickly, this time I actually have a plan so I have a really good feeling that it will stick now.

Let's see, shall we? ;)

And in the spirit of a fresh new year, all brimming with hope and dreams and optimism, here is my "theme" for 2017:

To have courage, wisdom and kindness. Courage to pursue my dreams and ambitions, wisdom to act in my best interests (most of the time) so I can crush those goals, and last but not least, to be kinder - to the lovelies who are close to my heart, but also being kind to those who fall outside of my selected circle of trust. 

The first two are pretty self-explanatory, but I'd admit that the last one has proven to be one of the toughest challenge I faced particularly in recent years. In the last 2-3 years, I had conscientiously placed myself first in more situations than I used to, simply because it was a necessity. My upbringing and personality made me a person who nearly always placed others' needs above my own, which was great, but over the years, it also resulted in me shortchanging myself all too often. I neglected my personal needs, growth and development, and that took a toil on the spirit and soul. It was therefore a mindset shift that was badly needed.

I am pleased to report that I am a much happier, stronger person now who has a clearer sense of what she wants and likes, in the near future as well as the distant one. I have also gained a deeper understanding of my strengths and weaknesses, and how I might be better able to use that knowledge to work towards the achievement milestones I'd set for myself.

The cost of achieving all these meant that I had not been as attentive, affectionate or caring as I would have liked, to my darling friends and family. And my heightened self-awareness has also unearthed sides of my personality that I didn't like - the tendency to be impatient or judgmental (even if not openly so) to those who don't hold the same values, or ethics as me. I was never unpleasant, but I just didn't like the negativity of my thoughts or sentiments, especially if they were uncalled for.

And that was how my third personal challenge was borne, for this new year. I have made some steps already in addressing these (as well as the first two goals), but I'd like to apply myself more diligently towards them in the coming 12 months.

With that, I wish you a loveliest new year, filled with more laughter and love, and less sorrow and loss. May you be blessed with good health, cheer and kindness too. And let's NOT break the resolutions that truly matter, shall we?

Happy New Year dearies. :)

recomputation in progress

So, I spent some time cleaning up this space, updating the profile and features to my liking.

Going for a cleaner, more uncluttered look. There are some additional things I would like to include, but felt that this is not the time for those yet, and thus these have been added to a KIV list, to be updated as and when I deem appropriate.

I still need to think further on how I would like to distinguish the two platforms I am currently maintaining my posts on. They are "same, same, but different" - always have been, just that it's been a while since I use both, plus I am keen to have a clearer differentiation, so needed to commit more braincells to meditate on that.

I even contemplated deleting all the past entries and restart on a clean slate, but ultimately decided to stay put. I figured, those are part of this blog's history, and I do like how it showed the changes in my writing over time.

So for now, I think I have that figured out, kinda. If you read both, let's see if you can tell the difference. ;)

Might still toggle and play around with this somemore for a bit, so do bear with me as I finetune and recompute.

Revival

Hi again.

So, I decided to revive this space, exactly four years after I said goodbye.

I have missed you, and I hope we have a better, closer relationship this time. I have a good feeling we will do fantastically.

I'm keeping that other space I have, because you two are different, so I hope I can juggle and maintain both well. Not sure exactly how that would pan out, but let's figure it out as we go along, yes?

And let's start with a greeting: Happy 2013, and cheers to a beautiful new year for all. :)

Will be back soon to ramble some more, so stay tuned.