Satisfaction from labour

Had an unusually hectic schedule the past week, where it was non-stop all the way daily through the entire week, that reminded me of past lives. Except that rather than feeling embattled and drained, I felt so alive and charged. Heh. That's not to say that I don't get busy now, but these periods are much more spread out, and they also tend to occur from market trends rather than overcapacity. A huge difference from the daily fire-fighting where one hardly had time to catch your breath, ever.

14 months into this firm and role, I've found a comfortable groove between the daily tasks while also juggling various projects and other mandates that come through with varying timelines and priority. Being in a centralised function also meant that my touchpoints with other colleagues and stakeholders are more spread out across the region rather than being focused on a select group based in the same office, and I quite enjoy the variety and the exposure to a larger group. It allows me to have a more comprehensive of the firm's offering and strengths across the region and globally too. 

With the current work situation, there is a rather nice balance where most days the hours are quite humane and there is often actual space and bandwidth for the brain to properly process and add value to the work I'm involved in, making it really enjoyable and challenging in the best ways. A very nice surprise and stark contrast to the previous roles in the last decade. What a breath of fresh air. 

Devilled eggs for the office

My days left in this office are now a definite finite countdown to D-day. I will be lying if I say I don't feel a tinge of bittersweet contemplating the great colleagues I've encountered in this office. I don't make friends easily, nor do I seek to go beyond professional relations, more often than not. That said, I believe in respect, humour and understanding to each and every person in the workplace, and I can say, hand on heart that nearly everyone I have encountered in this firm has been pretty lovely. I will miss that camaraderie.

So I infused that thankfulness into my contribution for the fortnightly office tea, glad that I had signed up for a date that fell nicely into the month of my departure. I have to say that deshelling boiled eggs in bulk is both stressful and therapeutic at the same time. Hurhurhur.

In the end, the platter of eggy goodness turned out frankly pretty ugly, but I have to say rather tasty. They were wiped clean within 20 minutes. :)

Tried piping before the make-shift ziplock broke, all the better since it didn't look that appetising piped. Ahem. 🙊 

Can you tell the difference?

I can be 100% compliant and cordial with you, yet possess not even an ounce of trust, or respect for you. 

Because the former reflects on me and my accountability, while the latter, rests upon your character, or what I perceive of it, based on your conduct.

Can you tell the difference?

More importantly, do you even care?

I can, and I don't. Not anymore. In all things, I am guided by what I believe is right and righteous, so much more than what I want to achieve and how fast I would like to get there. Call me naive, or idealistic, but there's no other route I would rather take. There is no alternative for me.

Ripples and waves

So, I dropped a bomb last Friday. 

Only, I was not prepared for the extent of the reactions triggered. 

Ripples, waves and whirlpools that have already been brewing, now seem to be gathering force. There's no telling where or how this would end or develop. 

I am in the centre of it, but then not really affected. Of course I am deeply heartened by the extreme reactions of shock and dismay, and even more surprisingly, the concerted efforts that have been shown, by not just a handful, but the majority of powers that be, to try and keep me. That's truly beyond flattering. I knew my work was valued, I just had no idea how much, till now. 

No matter, I have weathered my storms and went through many rounds of reflections, ruminations and navel-gazing. It's the right time and space for me to move, so I shall just watch how things unfold, from the eye of the cyclone. 

The end, begins

Just a post to mark this date - the commencement of the end of a chapter.

There are remnants of angst, and some loose ends to be tied, or severed, we shall see.

But mostly, the heart is leaping and cartwheeling with relief.

Such lightness, and joy. A brilliant start to the weekend. :)

Happy day!

A piece of most uplifting news arrived in my inbox today. I could barely contain my grin or jubilance. 

A new chapter awaits. Filled with hope, sunshine, and a refreshing breeze. 

I know it will not be all peaches and cream, of course. There will be plenty of challenges and lots of learning involved. I need to reset some of the things I had gotten a familiar grasp on, and rehone the senses to gain new sets of knowledge, establish new networks and relationships. 

All a tad daunting, but also so exciting too.

:D

I can't wait, but in the meantime, I need to close the preceding chapter and make sure that's done nicely, gracefully and graciously. Because I wouldn't and couldn't do it any other way. 

That's all I can say for now, but more will be revealed in time. Stay tuned!  

A quiet weekend afternoon

The weekend before AB's parents arrived, he was also away on business, so I had all the time to myself. Went to the gym, read, and ran a number of errands that I hadn't managed to complete in the course of the week.

I took some time to sit down at a cafe with a lovely kopi-o-siu-dai and the laptop to prepare for some upcoming meetings. Exciting meetings that present a bright light at the end of an increasingly claustrophobic feeling tunnel. Some days I rush along my tasks, focusing on value I can deliver so I don't get swallowed up by negativity, some days just feel so long and heavy, that I entertain the thought of just running away first to get myself out of the angst.

I realise that with age, I am no longer that carefree soul who just exits when she deems her current situation no longer viable in the long term. I have learnt to bode my time, calculate the pros and cons, and conclude that it's best to stay the course and just do more to help my case. I still continually work on delivering the best that I can, but I also do so without anymore inclination to find the next steps in this path. I will stay for as long as I can, but no longer than that.

On the other hand, this current opportunity feels like a refreshing gust of sunshine-infused breeze, reminding me of how I'd felt at the beginning of this dying journey. Energised, motivated, full of positive vibes. It's not just a potential ticket for my next destination, but also one that I truly am amped to get onto.

That's how my constant state should be, not the occasional bursts of satisfaction from being appreciated or seeing the value of my efforts.

Let's see then. :)

Fragrant black coffee and my trusty Air. :)

speechless

It was madness at work last week, and for more than half of today.

Four days of trying to manage two camps with 100 kiddies in total, with a variety of challenges and patience-stretching.

And another huge news story that kept everyone on their toes, scrambling to get all the clippings done first thing in the morning, attending meetings, and other mandatory duties.

The entire slew of events have rendered me speechless. I stare at the screen, wanting to blog about what happened, and share some musings and thoughts. But the mind is in overdrive.

It feels like I've exhausted my word quota, and the brain refuses to churn out any more for anything else. For now at least.

Bahhh.

Maybe later...

[blank]

whine

it's not even Monday, and already I'm counting down to the end of the day.

thank god for May Day hol this week - a sure consolation..
Now if only we can fast forward Mon and go straight to Tues! Ha.

[blue]

half a heart

bemusedtots has this habit of letting the things in her cubi pile and pile.. Until one fine day when it finally gets to her. Then she would embark on a flurry of housekeeping. At the end of it, a spic n' span clear workspace is oh so refreshing, that she would resolve to maintain it.

But of course, that's merely wishful thinking. :p

Last week was one of those phases. But as of now, it's what I would call a half-hearted attempt - cos while half the cubi - the space I'm facing - is therapeutic clear, the other half behind my back, could best be themed.. organised chaos.

Oops.

I shall endeavour to recollect some of those enthusiasm and just finish it up within this week.

Such is the falling of a short attention span. Bleah..

Focus! Focus! Focus!!

[sheepish]

the difference

The best way to overcome a fear or obstacle is to square 'em shoulders and face it off straight in the eye.

Most likely, one might just find that the problem might not be the intimidating monster you thought it was in the first place. That the problem was more in your mind than anything.

And sometimes, increase in experience and learning helps equip skills and tactics that combat and desensitize - you learn to numb your senses, rise above it and not get affected.

So, bemusedtots had the chance to gain experience with more of it, a week packed with them last week, and four more this week.

While things are getting better, I'm not so sure that it's me though. More and more, I'm convinced that how the sessions turn out are dependent on the kids.

It's nothing to do with group size, age, or intelligence, I discovered - sometimes an entire school hall of these ickle ones can be so quietly attentive and then endearingly responsive, that the presentation was not only painless, but very much enjoyed. I leave with a sense of having accomplished something, that they might really have learnt something meaningful out of it.

Other times, I just breathe deeply and tell myself that if anything, it's good training for my patience and composure. :p

As I rounded up this week with a double-session today, the experience could very well be the best I've had.

The children in both sessions were perfect - best behaviour, best responses, clearest demonstration of the knowledge of how to care and help the people around them. Most of all, a genuine desire to do good. They nudged the most bashful ones up to answer questions, showed support with warm, exuberant applause as the timid ones trudged up, shouted encouragement when their friends stumble over the answers, and whooped and clapped when as the smiling buddies walked back clutching the simple reward - a sheet of stickers.

So what if they were deemed to be slower - they knew much more than their mainstream counterparts on how to care and share. If you ask me, they are indeed in a different world, a more genuine one. Where you care more about encouraging your friends with applause. Not boo-ing them when they make mistakes, so that you feel better or more superior, or hope that their answers do not get accepted, just so you might have a go at it. They even pointed to their friends, asking you to choose them so that these shy ones can have a chance.

And they say 'thank you' with sincere warmth, where you can feel that they really mean it. Not a hastily mumbled one cos it's decreed by their teachers, as if 'the right thing to do even though I'm entitled to it anyway'.

They were a joy to teach, and I felt sharp tugs in my heart as I interacted with them, lil' bittersweet aches for them, this wonderful bunch.

If I might say so, they didn't need a lesson in 'care and share'. They are probably more than qualified to teach it.

Perhaps that's one reason why they are not the main target group. Hmm.