Recounting 2022: Rekindling life

For a couple years now, in addition to a list of aspirations/resolutions I set at the beginning of each year, I've also reflected and decided on a word for the year. It's a theme of sorts that also aligned said list, to zoom in on what I wanted to priortise for that year. 

For last year, the word that resonated with me the most, was "Rekindle". That was what I wanted to focus on, as several areas in my life felt stagnant and stuck in a rut. Nothing was in dire states, but I had been feeling an increasing restlessless, not completely unrelated to the widespread sentiment of "languish" linked to the ongoing global pandemic, which apparently many in the world were experiencing.

Boy, did the universe hear me and decide to help me out in achieving that, in nearly all areas of my life.

Career wise, I had taken a leap of faith to accept a new position in November 2021 which was not a career switch per se, but a specialist role rather than the generalist function I had established my résumé on for the most part of my career. However, this change felt right, and over the course of the year, my decision was further affirmed by all the projects and tasks I undertook. I got to hone various skills that I'd wanted to but didn't have the resources nor time for in my previous positions. The team I was in was incredible, with every single colleague being amazing team players, and who all genuinely like and respect one another, with leadership that not only values each member's individual strengths, but constantly nurtures and provides opportunity catered to each of our best interests. A year in, I am motivated and enjoy my work much more than I've had in a long time.

On the relationship front, I've already touched on that in the year summary so I won't go into much more details, but suffice to say that I've gotten to repair several failings and potholes in some key relationships, and also devoted more time and attention to friendships that have taken the backseat while everyone withdrew into a hermit-like existence over the past years. I certainly learnt that rather than an anti-social whom I had self-identified as for years, I was really a selective-social. I don't like all humans, but there are specific individuals whom I love very much and will ration much more time for, as opposed to superficial socialities that I have extremely finite patience towards. 

For personal interests and development, I finally decided to stop procrastination and multitasking, and properly spend time on two things for recreation/exercise: dance, which I've always loved but kinda dropped off; and cycling, which I finally started to get the hang of some 7 years ago, but never properly worked on. For dance, I devoted time to the most preferred dance styles, taking technical classes and also going for socials to just enjoy the dance. I also ventured into a new genre which has brought much pleasure and fun into my regime. For cycling, I've started from the foldie to commute bike and graduated to being able to ride comfortably on my road bike, with my target average of 30km/h achieved by year end. Huge pats on my own back, if I do say so myself. 😁

With all KPIs on target, I'm rather pleased to declare Rekindle a wild success. 

On to the next chapter. Word of the year for 2023? 

Nurture.

Let's go. :)

Proudest: I can do hard things.

too smooth

I've always prided myself on being quite a "gritty" individual, who is resilient and adaptable to change.

After all, most things I've achieved in my nearly 40 years of existence have been accomplished through working hard and putting in the effort and sticking with the end goal in mind. I could barely remember any incidence where anything was handed to me on a platter. Mind you, I say that with no measure of resentment though (well maybe just a teeny bit). I love that I have the drive to be what I want to be, to be able to say that I've worked for nearly everything, material or not, that I have.

Lately however, I keep feeling that grit smoothening out. It's like what happens to sandpaper when you keep using it - even the toughest ones will lose that abrasiveness. It just seems more and more like a chore to muster up that "hustle", quieten the ever rambling mind and just zero in on what needs to be done, step by step, task by task.

It's just too easy to let the cheeky procrastination monkeys take over and rampage all over the overcrowded to-dos packed in this tiny brain of mine.

It's a battle that I used to win much more easily, this internal fight between the sensible adult and the petulant child. How is it that as I get older, that inner brat seems to be triumphing over the inner voice of reason? TSK.

It's almost like I've achieved that outer level of ultimate Zen, where nothing fazes me. Not even when time is running out and I have a trillion things to do.

I need to rekindle that sense of mild panic, if only for the purpose of spurring me into actual action, and not just idly watching and deciding to settle for less - achieve less, do less, care less.

Guess that's that infamous mid-life crisis?

It's no way to live, all that time wasted away on meaningless drivel when it could have been utilised either doing activities that actually bring joy, or improve oneself. Time is no longer a luxury and I really need to learn to use it more prudently.

When all the previously tried and tested methods to beat this inner evil sloth fail, it simply means it's time to try out some new approaches and motivational methods.

Not giving up. You can hide, but I will find you, grit. And have fun doing it. Just you wait.

See you, eventually, if not soon. 

The delinquent daughter

Whenever I contemplate my relationship with the parentals and how it has evolved over the past thirty-something years, I always wonder if they feel shortchanged. Given the amount of time and effort they invested in me to ensure I have a good education, instilled values and morals that play a large part in formulating the person I am and how I relate to others, and always supported my interests and career/education choices, I wonder if they feel that they are not really getting enough back from me for all that.

I know parenthood doesn't quite work that way, but the parents do come from a generation who view children as somewhat of an investment, more so than what I think my peers expect generally. And while I do support them financially, I've never been a particularly affectionate child, nor do I confide or share much of my life with them - they are often kept on a "need to know" basis for most things happening. I've never brought them on a vacation, nor taken the time to interact with them beyond the usual sundry topics when we are together.

Part of the reason for that, is simply because that's pretty much how our family dynamics are - we have always been more reserved when it comes to showing care and concern. A larger part of it, however, probably stems from various incidences that occurred during my younger years, which left a streak of resentment running so deep that I still hold some level of grudge towards them. For not protecting me better, for not listening, for making me grow up way before I needed to. It all worked out well, but I guess there's a petty side of me that still can't really let go till now.

Now that we are all getting old(er), I am conscious of mortality, and the fact that at the end of the day, they did try their best, to act in my best interests. Parents are humans too, it's inevitable that they fail sometimes, or suffered lapses in judgment, but everything they do is always borne of love and a desire for my well-being. Perhaps it's time to let go of that last vestiges of wilfulness I hold, and be a better daughter to them than I have been, while I still can.

It wouldn't hurt to at least try.

Thanksgiving: the art of letting go

Some friendships you let go as they run their course. Your lives are going in different directions, and you acknowledge that like it or not, you are not on their list of priorities anymore. As much as I'm all about agape love, there comes a point where I have to acknowledge that I am only human, and I have only limited time and attention for people in my life, there is no point in keeping these unrequited relationships. So you just stop trying, and let the connection fade with time.

Some friendships you let go for your own sanity and benefit. You realise eventually that having these people who are willing to be in your life, actually does more harm than good, and potentially can wreak more havoc, unwittingly, or not. So you take a breath, let the mind overrule the heart, and lock them out.

Then there are some friendships you let go, for their good. You know that staying in their lives, for whatever reason, is no longer adding value to them, and may even end up hurting them. So you steel your heart, and stride out of their lives, knowing that the best way to love them is from where you stand now - from a distance. 

Such is life - people come and go, and everything happens for a reason. At the end of it, I just learn to take it all in, and most importantly, be thankful - for the memories and the love while I had them, and for the friendships that have stood the test of time, year after year after year. 

As I learn to get better at letting go, I learn to be grateful for those who made the effort, and fight to keep our bonds alive, no matter how much time, life and distance gets in the way. 💖

Devilled eggs for the office

My days left in this office are now a definite finite countdown to D-day. I will be lying if I say I don't feel a tinge of bittersweet contemplating the great colleagues I've encountered in this office. I don't make friends easily, nor do I seek to go beyond professional relations, more often than not. That said, I believe in respect, humour and understanding to each and every person in the workplace, and I can say, hand on heart that nearly everyone I have encountered in this firm has been pretty lovely. I will miss that camaraderie.

So I infused that thankfulness into my contribution for the fortnightly office tea, glad that I had signed up for a date that fell nicely into the month of my departure. I have to say that deshelling boiled eggs in bulk is both stressful and therapeutic at the same time. Hurhurhur.

In the end, the platter of eggy goodness turned out frankly pretty ugly, but I have to say rather tasty. They were wiped clean within 20 minutes. :)

Tried piping before the make-shift ziplock broke, all the better since it didn't look that appetising piped. Ahem. 🙊 

Can you tell the difference?

I can be 100% compliant and cordial with you, yet possess not even an ounce of trust, or respect for you. 

Because the former reflects on me and my accountability, while the latter, rests upon your character, or what I perceive of it, based on your conduct.

Can you tell the difference?

More importantly, do you even care?

I can, and I don't. Not anymore. In all things, I am guided by what I believe is right and righteous, so much more than what I want to achieve and how fast I would like to get there. Call me naive, or idealistic, but there's no other route I would rather take. There is no alternative for me.

A quiet weekend afternoon

The weekend before AB's parents arrived, he was also away on business, so I had all the time to myself. Went to the gym, read, and ran a number of errands that I hadn't managed to complete in the course of the week.

I took some time to sit down at a cafe with a lovely kopi-o-siu-dai and the laptop to prepare for some upcoming meetings. Exciting meetings that present a bright light at the end of an increasingly claustrophobic feeling tunnel. Some days I rush along my tasks, focusing on value I can deliver so I don't get swallowed up by negativity, some days just feel so long and heavy, that I entertain the thought of just running away first to get myself out of the angst.

I realise that with age, I am no longer that carefree soul who just exits when she deems her current situation no longer viable in the long term. I have learnt to bode my time, calculate the pros and cons, and conclude that it's best to stay the course and just do more to help my case. I still continually work on delivering the best that I can, but I also do so without anymore inclination to find the next steps in this path. I will stay for as long as I can, but no longer than that.

On the other hand, this current opportunity feels like a refreshing gust of sunshine-infused breeze, reminding me of how I'd felt at the beginning of this dying journey. Energised, motivated, full of positive vibes. It's not just a potential ticket for my next destination, but also one that I truly am amped to get onto.

That's how my constant state should be, not the occasional bursts of satisfaction from being appreciated or seeing the value of my efforts.

Let's see then. :)

Fragrant black coffee and my trusty Air. :)

About mortality and Truth

When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi

At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. One day he was a doctor making a living treating the dying, and the next he was a patient struggling to live. 

When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanathi's transformation from a medical student in search of what makes a virtuous and meaningful life into a neurosurgeon working in the core of human identity - the brain - and finally into a patient and a new father.

Finally finished this book that I had started eons ago. It had nothing to do with the writing though - I thoroughly enjoyed the clear, concise yet gripping way the author narrated his thoughts and emotions. Even in the bleakest parts of the book, I liked that he presented his thoughts in a very factual manner, dissecting his reactions, and never over-dramatising it with emotive or melancholic phrasing.

I had been initially interested in this book for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it was an account of a person coming to terms with mortality, something that I had been fascinated with since my youth. As a child, I was one who was exposed to it at an extremely young age, with all my grandparents passing away between the time I was one and three years old. I find it odd when people tell me now that children don't understand the concept of death, because I definitely remembering myself understanding fully what it meant - that a person has come to the end of his physical lifespan on earth, and his physical being no longer functions. His heart no longer beats, and his consciousness thus ends, so he ceases to be. It terrified me no end, and brought me so much sadness as a two-year-old losing her grandfather, one of the key figures in my life at the time. To this day I still feel the grief. As I got older, I am no longer afraid of death, but it does remind me that our time on this earth is finite. This helps to shape how I make a lot of decisions in life, in managing my choices such that I don't spend time on unnecessary angst and worry, while maximising time in being a constructive being who treasures the relationships that matter. Reading a personal account of someone who had to face imminent death at an age that seems far too young for a life with so much promise, was also a stark reminder of that.

I was also quite fascinated by his profession as an aspiring neurosurgeon. I've never been inclined towards a career in medicine - while I was not fearful of blood, I do cringe inwardly at the sight of it so the thought of cutting people up and doing things to their organs and bones, even if it's to help them, was never something that appealed to me. My initial perception of neurosurgery was only that it involves operating with the brain, which must be the most daunting specialisation I've ever known. I couldn't imagine ever bearing that sort of a responsibility not only on a person's survival, but how they might be to think, move and behave. Reading about his inspiration and motivation to go into this field has been most enlightening, and I have even greater respect for neurosurgeons than I had before.

The words in this book which left the deepest impression, was his take on truth. This was something that I've often thought about, had been on my mind in recent months especially with certain events, where I realised that the power of perception, combined with the amount of information one gets exposed to, in shaping a person's understanding and view of an event or situation. It is such an important thing to bear in mind: that your truth may not be someone else's truth, and will never be the whole and absolute truth. We would all do well to bear that in mind when casting judgments on anyone and anything we encounter.

"Struggle toward the capital-T Truth, but recognise that the task is impossible - or that if a correct answer is possible, verification certainly is impossible.  

In the end, it cannot be doubted that each of us can only see a part of the picture. The doctor sees one, the patient another, the engineer a third, the economist a fourth, the pearl diver a fifth, the alcoholic a sixth, the cable guy a seventh, the sheep farmer an eighth, the Indian beggar a ninth, the pastor a tenth. Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete. And Truth comes somewhere above all of them." 

When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi

Pep talk

Hey you, yes you. How's everything?

What are you not happy with right now? What are your dreams?

Well, if you want to be better, or different, you know that you will never get there if you just maintain status quo, and do what you used to, right?

So, what are you waiting for then? Keep those eyes firmly locked on where you want to go, and start working to get there. NOW.

Don't expect to get there in a second, a day, a week or even a month. If you have set your sights high enough, which you should, because you CAN achieve so much more, then it makes sense that it takes time to get to where you are aiming to go.

The key is to never give up, look far, but acknowledge every inch of progress. And one day, you can look back and realise that indeed, nothing is really unattainable, if you try hard enough, and refuse to settle for less.

Be bold, dig deep, stay strong. See you at the finish line. :)

Hi, I'm Nice, Notvery Nice

Despite my lofty ambition to be kinder this year, I have to confess that I'm struggling quite a bit, especially the whole "be nice to people whom I don't share the same values or beliefs with" resolution. Of course I'm not talking about random strangers or criminals we read about in the news, but humans I actually have to physically interact with on a regular basis, often involuntarily.

It really boils down to how I judge people - I set some pretty high standards and expectations on being professionally and socially appropriate which I apply universally, and when I feel that a person compromises those standards, they unwittingly get downgraded in the "Bmuse chart of human integrity". Not that it would matter to them, since they wouldn't have a clue. I rarely show my disdain openly, and usually take pains to be ultra civil to these individuals. Only cause you know, that's part of the standards I set for myself.

Same applies to people who are not consistent in their behaviour or come across as lacking in candour in their dealings with others. Call it survival instincts or what you may, but people who come across as having an agenda when they are being nice or complimentary, just make my skin crawl. I make sure to stay a mile away and regard everything they say or do with a huge dose of skepticism.

Ultimately, I am sorry (but not really) that I just don't have the capacity to expand any generosity beyond what I deem to be acceptable, nothing more, nothing less. *shrugs* it may very well be a broken resolution, but so be it then.

I acknowledge that I am not a very nice person after all, but it's not the end of the world. Surely there are worse things than being completely civil but with a touch of frost. :p

Thought of the day

Life is ours to be spent,

not saved.

D.H. Lawrence

Wise words indeed. I love my little notebook from Kikki.K that has quotes like these every few pages, some presented in a flourish on a nice full page in fancy lettering, and others more discreetly presented at the bottom of the page, like a quiet whisper.

The only problem I have with this, is not that I need to remind myself to make the most of life. It's just that I confuse myself with way too many choices on how I can possibly utilise it, that I end up squandering time, lost in the choices. (Refer to earlier post on my indecision). *facepalm*

How, like that? 

On decisions

Decisions, choices, options, alternatives... Seems like there's just no escaping them no matter where you turn. Think about it and you'll realise that every single thing you do is the outcome of your decision-making. Granted that many times these are carried out unconsciously, or sub-consciously, but isn't it true that even when you are doing the most routine habits in "auto-pilot" fashion, it IS a manifestation of your in-built system, programed by yourself? Hmm, hope I haven't lost you. :p

I hate making decisions. Okay, those auto-pilot ones aside, I often find myself grappling with decision-making from the teeniest thing like what to have for lunch, to major ones like what I really want to do in life. Perhaps due to my typical Gemini personality, I'm constantly in a struggle to force myself to make choices.. Simply because most of the time, I'm faced with so many alternatives that I find myself either pulled in all directions, or standing in the middle just undecided about which one I really want.. On good days, I sometimes enjoy the process of going through the methodical process of decision making: identification of issue> List of alternatives> Analysis of alternatives > Decision making by means of prioritisation and elimination.. blah, blah, blah. It's actually pretty invigorating to dissect and re-arrange a flurry of thoughts into some semblance of order. When I'm in the mood to do so. On bad days, I just ostrich-ise and choose to ignore problems.  

Perhaps sometimes I can come across as not having a mind of my own.. Well I will admit I was never a dominant figure who thrives on being a leader of the pack. Many a times, I prefer letting the rest of the group make decisions and go along with it.. Up to you to decide whether I'm really easygoing, or just a crowd-follower with no opinions. :p

(bmuse, 2005) 

I find it rather amusing that the above was an incomplete draft crafted way back in 2005! Can I be shameless and say that I think I was a very mature and sensible 24-year-old, since I still feel the same today for most of the above? Either that, or I would have to concede that I have simply stagnated and not made much progress in my so-called character development over the span of more than a decade. Eeps. 

No, wait. On most days now I no longer agonise over my lunch choices - I simply eat almost the same few options daily - although that still happens for dinner sometimes. More importantly, I do have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life. Pheww. I feel better now.

Well actually, one enlightenment I have gleaned over the years that I can contribute is this: I've learnt that usually when I go with someone else or the majority's preference, it's not because I don't have my opinion, but simply put, the matter at hand is not of sufficient importance that I feel the compulsion to make a case for my own desires. It's exactly why it takes a lot for me to blow up or pick a fight with anyone - more often than not, minor irritations are deemed too trivial to contend over. It's simply a waste of time and effort, so I just let it slide instead and go on my merry way. Well, occasionally I do take offense, but just silently pass judgment and choose not to associate with said irritation as much as I could going forward.

Like I said, everything is a decision. And I choose peace and joy over conflict and angst, 9 times out of 10. These are not really tough decisions though, they barely require any teeth-gnashing at all - it's mostly just how I am programmed.

I hope I would still be like that, another 10 years on.

Catching up: Nine in nine

Determined to make a proper attempt at reviving this blog. :)

So let's get up to speed: with a summary of what I have been up to since the last time I "shut down" this space, way back at the beginning of 2008. It's been exactly nine years today, so I thought it's fitting to post this - Of course I can't really cover everything, but here are the ones which really stood out.

And of course, you should also be warned that this WILL be a super long post (as much as I had declared it a "summary").

1. Seeing my best friends form their own families

Considering that most of my best friends are around my age, it was not surprising that one by one, they got hitched, and quite a handful of them also proceeded to procreate mini versions of themselves/their other halfs. Others who are less thus inclined, also had their furkids, whom I adore equally (and dare I say, more sometimes) to their human counterparts. It's a surreal feeling seeing the peeps who used to be my partners in crime back in school (or at home, since the sister is also one of my bestie!) commit their life to another person and form their own family unit. *cue sniffles* 

Is it odd that I don't feel lacking even though I haven't gone through any of these myself? On one hand, I admire them immensely for the people they have become, the sacrifices they have made and continue to make, but most importantly that radiance of happiness glowing from within them at having found their "tribe". That said, I am content where I am, my time for that will come eventually, or not. These people are part of my tribe, myself included, so I am never alone if I need someone to count on. 

2. Earning my keep: Job changes, learning politics (or not) and chasing dreams

Back in 2008, I was in civil service (kind of) doing corporate communications. Fast forward to 2017, I am in the private sector juggling business development and public relations (occasionally dabbling in some internal comms too). Is it different? Markedly so when you compare the pace, the (lack of) bureaucracy, and the industries. However, the essence of it still revolves around what I have identified as my professional interest, way back in high school, and I am glad to reflect that it's still what I enjoy doing the most. 

I am not shy to report that I have gone through 3 job changes (i.e this is my 3rd job after the position I held in 2008) - I never define myself as a job-hopper, simply because each time I decided to leave, it was with the clear rationalisation that I have exhausted my growth potential in the organisation I was in. As with my personal relationships, I will always try ways and means to work things out, but when the dust has settled and I conclude that any further effort is futile, it is time for me to make a move. And to the organisation I bid adieu, it's all done in good grace and thankfulness for all the opportunities I had been given. You can say it's a "It's not just you or me, but we just don't work anymore" scenario each time. 

Throughout the years, I have encountered various politics and learn reluctantly to "play" it when necessary. It will never be something I am comfortable with, but sometimes, I do have to concede that one needs to "rise above" and just do what it takes to get the job done, of course within your moral boundaries and principles. Push me anywhere beyond that and you can be sure I won't stoop to your level, but will stand my ground and defend my position with logic and a clear conscience. Thankfully I have not had to actually face any real moral dilemmas, so it's not as dramatic as it sounds, lah. But you get the gist. :p

3. Matters of the heart: Of toxic men, online dating and stable relationships

Of course this wouldn't be a proper summary without touching on the juicy parts. By now, if you don't know me in person, (and in that case I can't fathom how you would be reading this barely alive blog. but THANKS SO MUCH for the support!), you would have surmised that I am not happily married with a cat or tiny human that I clean up or run after. 

That is not to say I am not happy though! I am, very much so. Am also at this moment blissfully content with a significant other in a stable and loving relationship. :)

I hadn't always been though. Over the near-decade past, I had gone through some horrendous heartbreaks, but also experienced exhilarating loves, moments so sweet that my heart felt like it would burst from the fullness of it all. I also went through a bout of online dating and had immense fun being single - mainly from the freedom of calling the shots in all areas of my life (they don't call it "carefree" for no reason you will learn), before I got to where I am now. Let's just say for now that I've had my fair share of drama, and relished parts of it (if not, then the memories when I look back on those days), but it has taught me that whichever status you are in, enjoy it to the fullest, because.. that's the only way to live life to the max right? 

Um.. Apologies that I am so vague on this (very interesting) aspect, there is just too much details that I decided to go super broad instead. I promise to share more of these in greater detail in future. ;)

4. The social recluse: Tightening my circle of trust

I learn from quite a young age that I really only need a small group of close friends, although I do tend to fret over being nice and not standoffish to others. 

However, sometimes that is just not possible when your personal time gets increasingly scarce and precious, (or some people just don't get subtle rebuffs when you are not interested to join their seemingly fun but meaningless to you activities), and you just have to firmly say "I am really not interested" to them. Hopefully they don't take offense, but I have also come to terms that if they really do, it's frankly, not a big deal. (Gasp! Yes.)

And then there are also those people whom I used to hold closer to my heart, but have now kept at arm's length (at best). Perhaps we grew apart, perhaps there are other priorities more important to them now than our friendship, or perhaps I finally acknowledge that there is truly no intrinsic value to either party in maintaining the relationship. When that happens, I sigh a little, then leave the friendship to run its course (or die its natural death). Some of these may revive one day, who knows? (Just look at this blog, never say never! Haha). But for now, I guess it's best to just give each other space and freedom. 

Giving these friendships a wide berth may have cracked my heart a little, but it has brought me so much more in return, as I could then invest more of my precious time and attention on the smaller group who matter and stood the test of time. I only hope that I have for most part brought as much cheer and light to the lives of those who have given me so much, just from their friendship. 

5. Wanderlust-ing: Discovering the joy of travel
Let me preface this by saying, I am very aware that to be able to travel IS a privilege, and one that I don't take for granted. Also, as much as I love getting to traipse on foreign lands, exploring history and cultures that are different to my own, at the end of the day, does it really make that huge a difference to my character or quality of life? I'm not sure. However, I do know that it is one thing that I always look forward to, and the experience of being in another city or country, is just something that I will probably always find excitement in. I don't think less of anyone who travelled less, I am just glad that I could travel as much as I did. 

A quick recap of the places I have been in the past nine years: in Asia I could count Malaysia (Langkawi, KL), Indonesia (Bali, Jakarta, Bintan, Batam), Thailand (Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Phuket), Japan (Tokyo),  Maldives, Taiwan, Hong Kong and China (Beijing); visited quite a far bit of Australia (Melbourne many many times, Sydney, Perth and Brisbane); a small portion of Europe counting UK (London), France (Paris, Bordeaux, Brittany), Italy (Milan) and most recently Luxembourg; a handful of cities in US (LA, New York, San Francisco, Monterrey, Orlando, Arizona; and last but not least Canada (Vancouver and Toronto). 

I loved every single one of these trips, some perhaps much more than others, simply from the sheer pleasure of being there. I also finally did a solo trip when I was in France last year, and it was AMAZING. As much as I do enjoy travelling with close ones, there is something so special about travelling alone, so you can be sure that it wouldn't be the last time I did that. 

6. Staying active: Loving a fit life

To be honest, I have never really been "inactive" in my life so far, although I would hardly go as far as to proclaim myself an athlete. I can run and swim alright, but hand-eye coordination is not my forte, so racket sports like badminton and table tennis were my worst nightmares during the physical education classes in school. Oddly, I do pretty well in basketball, probably cos it mainly involves running, passing and shooting, something I fare fine in (or maybe just because the ball is so big you can't exactly miss it, hurhur). I did enjoy the sports I do well, but it's only in the last decade that I truly fell in love with staying active. My regular regime now is 4-5 workouts per week if I could afford the time, but otherwise a minimum of 2-3 is mandatory to maintain sanity. 

Because I lack the discipline to focus on one or two sports, I enjoy a variety of exertions and would like to think that it keeps my life interesting, and also allows me more versatility in incorporating them into my schedule, depending on time available, weather or location. Whether it was jogging, swimming, yoga, rollerblading, gym or tennis, I love the endorphin rush and just being active. If I go for more than a week without my workouts, I feel out of sorts and sluggish. 

Beyond the adrenaline rush, it's also part of my quiet time, spending time with myself. Nothing beats listening to your own heartbeat, or getting into your zone while pushing those reps or clocking laps or miles. You learn to appreciate your own strength, and listen to your inner voice. Sounds skeptical? Don't beat it till you've tried it. ;)

7. Rediscovering a love: Dance, dance, dance!

Having always enjoyed dancing as a child (and ahem later in my clubbing years as an adolescent/young adult), I am so glad that I decided to venture into learning dance proper now that I have the financial means to support this interest. Salsa, cha cha, bachata, zouk, kizomba, even a teeny bit of contemporary - I have tried and enjoyed each of them. Amongst these, salsa and kizomba have stood out as ones I favoured, but I look forward to brush up further on these which I have gotten decently adept in, and also learn some more new ones. West Coast Swing, NY-style salsa (I currently know only know LA and cuban style), tango and perhaps even ballet are some on my wishlist - realistically I may not have the time to try all of them, but let's see. 

I'm a little shame-faced to confess that there was a period of three years or so where I put my interest in dance aside for a relationship - to be fair, the partner never demanded that I did so, I just chose to do that since he didn't have the interest to try it and I didn't want to sacrifice our time together for that. Foolish it may be, but returning to dance when the relationship ended gave me so much pleasure and happiness that I know I will never forsake dance again, now that I have fully embraced it as a part of me. :)

8. Setting targets and achieving them: of marathons, dance performances, being a pub singer, challenging sports and culinary adventures

It's true that when you set yourself an end-goal that are "just out of your reach" challenging your limitations, it helps sharpen your focus and also learn things about yourself that you never knew you could achieve. I'm not sure if the education system I went through, of regular assessments and examinations had honed that inclination in me, but I do enjoy setting these targets for both my strengths and weaknesses, and the process of working towards these goals. Thanks to that, I have clocked two full marathons without suffering too much during and after them, participated in three dance performances (two salsa and one contemporary/jazz), did a short stint of singing part-time in a pub in my leisure time, picked up tennis and cycling (both sports I truly sucked at) actually enjoy them now, and learnt to make my own granola, chocolate mousse and a variety of Asian and international cuisine. Each of these came with its unique set of difficulties to overcome, but the satisfaction from achieving them was simply immense.

9. Self-awareness: of learning, character development and acceptance

I'd like to think I know myself pretty well (it's really an introvert thing lah - we spend so much time in introspection because we are fascinated with the inner workings of our brain), but in the last nine years I felt like my relationship with myself had make some pretty spectacular leaps. 

I'd continued to quench my ever-present thirst to acquire more skills and knowledge - besides some of the things I'd already listed above (dance and sports), I learnt how to drive (pride: manual okay, no automatic license for me), and am currently learning a new language. I've also invested more time in learning more about career and personal development, acquiring more skills to excel or be more efficient in my profession.

On character development, I've learnt some hard lessons on how important it is to have the genuine belief in yourself - that you are meant for and deserve greater things - even if you think you are not there yet, or not exactly ready. Have the faith, take a leap. What's the worst that can happen? You trip, you fumble, but you will get there, and each stumble only makes you better. Learn that the first step to making others believe you can do something, is the conviction that you can do it yourself. It's ok not to have things handed to you on a platter, it's brilliant to have to work to achieve everything you wanted - it just proves that you have earned every single accolade by your own efforts, and that is something to be proud of. 

Last but perhaps most importantly, I have learnt to be comfortable in my own skin. I used to covert that waif-like, stick thin body that I could never achieve. However, I now love what I have, curves and edges. My aspirations are now geared towards always becoming the better version of what I am capable of at the moment. To have flexibility, strength and definition is attractive to me, not looking fragile and lithe. Well, not anymore. That is not to say that those born with a spectacular metabolism, or voluptuous curves are not attractive though - I admire all body types, I just recognise (or accept) that those are not for me.

******

Phew, and that concludes my summary. Quite a lengthy post, but at least we are now more or less caught up. It was actually tremendous fun reflecting on the past years for this post. I am suddenly filled with admiration for myself at how much I have done. LOL.

A girlfriend once used the word "passion" to describe me, when asked to come up with one definitive adjective. I was so flattered, and she was so right - for that's what I strive to do - live with passion. I hope I never lose that zest for life, and only get better at it. :)

My love affair with words

Growing up, I was that child who simply LOVED learning, especially language and words. I delighted in learning the names for everything - parts of my anatomy, actions, things, people. The alphabet as well as the different strokes making up Chinese words, were simply magic to me in how they group to form countless words and characters that helped me make sense of the world around me, and communicate with others.

I revelled in feeling each syllabus, consonant and vowel roll off my tongue, as much as the "zh, ch, mh, fh" of Mandarin.

While my brother, older than me by three years, exasperated the mother by having the attention span of a goldfish when she tried to read to him, I sat by their side, enraptured by the stories she read to him, soaking everything up like a thirsty sponge.

And that was the beginning of my deep love for words. I was spellbound by the fictional world, and later the non-fictional one. Stories of romance, fantasy, adventure, survival and mystery enthrall me no end, and entice me from normal life all too often. I bury my nose in books wherever and whenever I could, ever yearning to read more, learn more, laugh, cry and frown in the magical tales spun from writers' pens.

From this love of reading, came the love of writing. That was my favoured mode of communication as a borderline introvert - while I enjoy conversation and getting to know others, I much prefer listening and observing, rather than sharing my own thoughts and opinions. As such, I find much more comfort in writing, where I can express myself better, often with the luxury of time to find the perfect words to describe what I was trying to relate. The eternal dreamer in me also love transforming the images and events from my fantasy world onto words. There is a great satisfaction that comes from getting a phrase just the way I imagined - you can almost hear the "click" as it all falls beautifully into place.

This love of writing is what drives my blogging. I love creating with language and words, a figment of my mind that I don't mind sharing with the world. I constantly walk the balance between what I'd like to share, versus what I would prefer to hold close to my heart, like secrets with myself, or a very choice group. Another reason which compels me to blog, is just for posterity - to mark for myself, what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing at this point in my life. Sure I have my memories, but those are not the most dependable. The greatest moments will etch themselves deep in your mind, but without some form of record, you may forget some of the precious details that make that moment so wondrous. Those other slightly less momentous ones that are no less magical, could use some help from writing to be remembered and savoured again. The little pleasures, and beauty in life.

That, is what kept me from giving up on blogging. It will never be replaced by other social media platforms, which are more convenient or time-efficient, but lack the freedom to create as I like, without character limit or the need for visuals all the time.

After all the time I had been gone, I have lots to catch up on, but it's never too late to start, again. And this time, I will make a proper attempt to do so. Because it is what I enjoy, and I'd like to do it more.

It's a love that's constant, and ever reliable. I'm a little rusty no doubt, but as with all skills, time and more practice will make this a little smoother, slowly but surely.

Thank you for always being there for me my love, I promise to be more present now. :)