Decisions, choices, options, alternatives... Seems like there's just no escaping them no matter where you turn. Think about it and you'll realise that every single thing you do is the outcome of your decision-making. Granted that many times these are carried out unconsciously, or sub-consciously, but isn't it true that even when you are doing the most routine habits in "auto-pilot" fashion, it IS a manifestation of your in-built system, programed by yourself? Hmm, hope I haven't lost you. :p
I hate making decisions. Okay, those auto-pilot ones aside, I often find myself grappling with decision-making from the teeniest thing like what to have for lunch, to major ones like what I really want to do in life. Perhaps due to my typical Gemini personality, I'm constantly in a struggle to force myself to make choices.. Simply because most of the time, I'm faced with so many alternatives that I find myself either pulled in all directions, or standing in the middle just undecided about which one I really want.. On good days, I sometimes enjoy the process of going through the methodical process of decision making: identification of issue> List of alternatives> Analysis of alternatives > Decision making by means of prioritisation and elimination.. blah, blah, blah. It's actually pretty invigorating to dissect and re-arrange a flurry of thoughts into some semblance of order. When I'm in the mood to do so. On bad days, I just ostrich-ise and choose to ignore problems.
Perhaps sometimes I can come across as not having a mind of my own.. Well I will admit I was never a dominant figure who thrives on being a leader of the pack. Many a times, I prefer letting the rest of the group make decisions and go along with it.. Up to you to decide whether I'm really easygoing, or just a crowd-follower with no opinions. :p
I find it rather amusing that the above was an incomplete draft crafted way back in 2005! Can I be shameless and say that I think I was a very mature and sensible 24-year-old, since I still feel the same today for most of the above? Either that, or I would have to concede that I have simply stagnated and not made much progress in my so-called character development over the span of more than a decade. Eeps.(bmuse, 2005)
No, wait. On most days now I no longer agonise over my lunch choices - I simply eat almost the same few options daily - although that still happens for dinner sometimes. More importantly, I do have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life. Pheww. I feel better now.
Well actually, one enlightenment I have gleaned over the years that I can contribute is this: I've learnt that usually when I go with someone else or the majority's preference, it's not because I don't have my opinion, but simply put, the matter at hand is not of sufficient importance that I feel the compulsion to make a case for my own desires. It's exactly why it takes a lot for me to blow up or pick a fight with anyone - more often than not, minor irritations are deemed too trivial to contend over. It's simply a waste of time and effort, so I just let it slide instead and go on my merry way. Well, occasionally I do take offense, but just silently pass judgment and choose not to associate with said irritation as much as I could going forward.
Like I said, everything is a decision. And I choose peace and joy over conflict and angst, 9 times out of 10. These are not really tough decisions though, they barely require any teeth-gnashing at all - it's mostly just how I am programmed.
I hope I would still be like that, another 10 years on.