9 days of posts!

And just like that, I've managed to post for 9 consecutive days on this space, a week straight plus a bit more. Yay! 

Taking advantage of the slight lull in my schedule while on partial vacation, to settle into this routine. 

Compared to the last time I've attempted this in 2017, it somehow feels much more manageable this time around. It's like I've flipped a switch and finally learnt to manage my chaotic mind a little better and get less overwhelmed when thinking of what to write about - typically, a few topics would come up, I would do a quick shortlist, then just go. Type it up, read through, edit, finalise, set schedule for publication, done. 

It's a refreshing change from deliberating over and over, going back and forth in circles in never-ending analysis of which topic would work best. Often, before I reach a conclusion, I'd already be exhausted and defeated, then nothing gets written. Zzz. I *think* I've found a way to circumvent that after all these years and attained a "blogging peace" of sorts. I'm so pleased. 

Perhaps all that mindfulness practice is actually paying off. :) 

It is still early days yet, but so far it feels good, comfortable, not unlike catching up with an old friend whom I've always cared about but lost touch with for a while as we both got preoccupied with other life stuff that got in the way. Now we've found each other again, and it's like no time has gone by. 

I've certainly missed writing, and am enjoying setting aside time to do this, as part of my daily agenda now. 

Look at me adulting, making time for things that matter. 😎

It's been said that "self-praise is no praise", but who cares? Whatever works, and I have enough self-parenting experience to know I thrive on affirmations that are well-deserved, as much as I appreciate constructive criticism. Heh. 

See you tomorrow, and the day after, and the days after. 

New(ish) year, old me

Not sure if it's just the demographics of my peers (ie aging ajummas like me), but increasingly, I've been noticing a trend of fatigue towards the whole "new year, new me" phenomena that used to be so popular everytime the year ends/starts. 

As the title of this post suggests, I'm still obstinately in the whole "review the past year, and set new resolutions" mindset. In fact I tend to do a "big" review twice a year, probably because my birthday falls nicely in the mid-year point and that's another time that I like to reflect on what I have achieved and set new goals (or refresh old ones) for the rest of the calendar or birth year. 

The main change I have observed in myself though, is more grace and kindness in accepting when I don't always achieve everything I set out to accomplish; or allowing myself to set the same priorities year after year. Simply put, the things that are important to me are not likely to change over time, the main thing that I try to change up now is to try and vary my approach, to troubleshoot what hasn't worked before. 

So true to my form, here are the key resolutions I have set myself for the (not so) new year:

- Staying active: Keeping the momentum of healthy habits I have set for myself for daily activity, gradually increasing my daily steps target (have upped that from 10k to 11k earlier this year), rebuild the strength I've lost from slacking off due to various issues the past years, and achieve some performance goals like doing at least 1 pull up and achieving a full split by the end of the year.

- Social connections: Quality > quantity as always. I've fallen off on keeping in touch with some close friends over the whole pandemic period which was strange overall for everyone, and am looking to rekindle some of these friendships while also reinforcing some newer friendships that have been magically forged in recent years too.

- Interests: Keep putting time into things I love and enjoy doing, with greater consistency but also more reasonable targets. Trying to do everything all at once just never worked for me so I really should recognise that I am not a bot who can fully utilise every minute of every waking hour. Haha. A couple of these include writing, music, dance and yoga. Did I say I was trying to be realistic?? Ah well, let's see how we go. 

- Self development: Setting some targets for myself to learn and improve my skills and knowledge too. Professionally I would like to learn to develop better project management and leadership skills, and fortuitously I'm actually in a place that this is something I have room, space and support to do that. Personally it's probably more in the crafting and language arena, the former for pleasure and the latter for utility in picking up that third language of French to better converse with the man and his family/friends. 

That's the main bulk of it, I think. Like I said, the key thing I'm trying to change this year is to be more specific on how I plan to fulfill these, but with a huge dose of patience - it doesn't matter if I start later than expected - the most important thing is to actually start, then keep it up. Hence me sharing this only now - I'm allowing my "year" to start proper in Q2, with the first 3 months as erm, warm up. Time is relative anyway right? Heehee. 

Let's see how we go this year. With luck you may actually get a review of this on this space in December this year. Excited. :) 

Testing a new route

Trying out a new routine, just to see if it helps me establish some habits that I keep wanting to reinstate in my life, only to fail time and again.

My main weakness is simply that of my own. The lack of self-discipline and will, to do what I need to, and not just give in to all manners of senseless distractions that deliver no value whatsoever. 

So rather than trying to leap straight to a disciplined routine, I decided that what I need might just be to put myself in a situation where I am much less likely to be distracted. 

If I can't get to my destination via this same route that I keep taking and wandering from, then perhaps this roundabout, apparently less efficient one might work. Getting there using more time and effort is better than just not getting there at all, no?

So here I am, sitting at a coffeehouse, plugged into my earphones and drafting my first blogpost in five months. 

It feels good. It feels hopeful. Let's hope it sticks. 

I may have to finally stop judging people who sit at cafes with their laptops. And acknowledge they are the true wise ones who knew better all along. 

A hop, skip and jump

Back to present blogging. :D

How many of you have seen this coming? Hurhurhur.

Well, thank you for not rolling your eyes in my face, and just going along as I keep going around in circles, stubbornly running myself deeper and deeper into this deficit writing debt.

What matters is now, and to keep going.

I will still endeavour to finish the backup posts, but no more pressure, so I don't have any excuses to write about what is happening, or has happened today, or yesterday. :)

So here we go again. :)

Two by two

The latest of my attempts to catch up on my posts here. Heh. I can't decide whether I should be impressed or exasperated by myself by the various times I have tried and not managed to stick with a proper posting routine. But I shall persevere still. :D

So this idea came about as I was overwhelmed thinking about the backlog piling up, and feeling like I may never get up to speed with my content here - some days I just want to write about things happening now, but then I think of all the catch up I needed to do and wonder if I will even remember what I wanted to say by the time I get to "now". Yet, I don't want to just "heck it" and pick up from here. Oof.

And this is what I am planning to do now, post an up-to-date post (or two), and also a historical one from where I am trying to pick up from. That way everytime you go back by a post or two, you are still catching up on my "catch up". Theoretically it's a sound plan eh?

Let's see.

Here we go, again. :D

Note from the future

Only because I'm doing my usual stunt of back-dating this post. Ha. The actual date I am writing this is.. shamefully, 4 June 2017. Eeps.

I am so behind that it's not even remotely funny. UGH.

Contemplating the amount I need to catch up on (erm well, only 2.5 months and counting..!), the heart sank a little, but at the same time, I accept that I am the only person who can be responsible for hitting or missing these self-imposed goals. Sure, I allowed life to get in the way, and I definitely have the easy option of just binning the original plan to have daily posts, and resume from wherever I presently am right now. But I am still unwilling to do that, yet. Simply because when I dig deep into the depths of my procrastinating heart, I know that I have not tried my best yet.

So there. This is my Xth attempt at catching back up on my daily posts. I might succeed this time, I might not, but at the very least I know I'm gonna make a better effort at achieving it. It's all about time management - the one key skill I am determined to get better, much much better at doing this year.

Wish me luck, and hopefully one day in the not too distant future, you will see a post published on the date that it was meant for. :p

The self-praise expert

The other day, AB skimmed through my Luxembourg entries and couple more of my posts, then sniggered, "Your blog is mostly about you saying how great you are and how much you like being by yourself and being in your own head!"

Pfffft. He remarked that in half-jest, and I didn't take offense (used to his so-called sense of humour by now), but then when I checked through my posts, those are definitely recurring themes. :p

Hmmm.

For a nano second, I seriously pondered if I was perhaps one of those deluded narcissists who think they are nice well-loved individuals but actually deplorable self-centred nuisances.

My conclusion? I'm just a well-adjusted introvert who has a healthy dose of self-awareness, and prefers to see the positive in everything, herself included.  Pretty certain that these positive thoughts are way better than reading rants and grouses, no? At least so far, I've yet to hear any complaints about my self-exhortations. In fact most of my friends love me enough to even further fan those affirmations. *raises brows*

Then, there's that age-old argument that "It's my space so I have full right to decide what I write about." You, dear reader on the other hand, equally possess the right to choose not to read if my content irks you for whatever reason. I've always believed that to be the basis of a writer-reader relationship. So there. #sorrynotsorry

Ah well, I guess that's what you get when an introvert is dating an extrovert, we give each other the opportunity to see what it's like on the other side of the spectrum. ;)

Introduction: The one that got away

While brainstorming blog ideas, I recalled that I promised to provide more juicy details on my relationships over the past years, since I attempted, then gave up on giving something more than a general, rather vague summary of what had gone down during my dormant absence.

Funnily enough, given all my reservations to not overshare online, the idea of doing so doesn't scare or repulse me. I guess I trust myself enough to know what I can share and what I won't, and I'm quite happy to also wax lyrical about some of my musings and contemplations, as I am inclined to do anyway.

So here we are. :)

It won't be heavy or emo, and I'd very much like to keep my tone lighthearted for the most part, since like Richard Fish in Ally McBeal says, "Bygones." It's all in the past now. Whatever pain and anguish I suffered or  was subjected to, we have both moved on, so it's really a waste of time and energy to still be miserable over what's done and dusted. 

(Of course I made it sound like it was all the other person's fault. I'm an angel! Best girlfriend ever that I'm sure they regret not being able to keep. Plus it's my blog so I'm entitled to subject you to my biaised point of view, no? Heeheehee.)

With all that, you may be wondering about the theme of these posts: "The One that Got Away", which in its conventional use has that tone of wistfulness about it. Huh. Heh, just to clarify that this "One" refers to me, instead of said ex-es whom I will be writing about (sorry, not sorry! Heehee). 

How so? Because when I reflect on all these failed relationships and where I am now in my life, current relationship and everything else, I did feel like I lucked out in them not working out. I can't see myself in a better place than I am at the moment, and in many parts, it was those failures that drove me to become the person I am, someone I love, respect and admire (sometimes) so much more than before all those escapades eventuated. 

So brace yourselves, sit back with a cuppa when you see posts like this. I promise I will try to be entertaining and not bore you with melancholy and bitterness. :)

P/S: Apologies if I sound borderline manic here, am writing this pre morning coffee and that can make me sound a tad psychotic sometimes. :p

(Audiobook) Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes: You had me at the Prologue

Being a huge fan of reading, especially of physical hard copies of books, it took me a long time to warm to the concept of audio books. 

You see, I enjoy the whole process of reading almost as much as experiencing the story or the ideas presented by the author. I love having those words magically transform into scenes projected onto the screen of my mind, with imaginary voices bringing the dialogues to life, the product of another person's genius and imagination.

It's a magical, intimate world. 

As such, I had no inclination to listen to another person narrate these stories and taint the visuals I would have imagined myself. Where's the fun in that??

I did eventually try it out, via a trial offer* on Audible by Amazon, where you get to download one book of your choice, free of charge. What intrigued me was when I learnt that some of these books were actually being narrated by their authors. That piqued my interest. While I still wasn't interested in hearing the audio renditions of the fictional genres (what can I say, I prefer the sound of my own voice, hurhur), I thought it would be interesting to hear authors say the words they created, exactly the way they were intended to be conveyed, especially for biographies.

It didn't take much deliberation to decide on the free book I wanted to try - Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes.

This woman needs no introduction, at least to me. Mainly because I am no stranger to her productions, Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. Being a huge fan of the shows, I was enthralled by her storytelling prowess (although it took me a long time to forgive her for killing McDreamy :p), and was most keen to hear her in person, sharing her thoughts.

Little did I expect to enjoy the book as much as I would. Rhimes was indeed Queen of storytelling, and it was a joy to listen to her regale the reader/audience on how she decided to challenge herself to get out of her comfort zone and embrace life truly, by saying "Yes" to anything that terrified, challenged or taunted her, for a year.

It surprised me to learn that she was an extreme introvert, which probably also explained why I could identify with her on many of her accounts. Personally I am a borderline introvert everytime I take a test to see where I place on the spectrum, but those struggles she described, how she loved being the mastermind behind the scenes, yet just as easily lose her wits at any prospect where she is put in the spotlight, are experiences that hit home for me as well.

With her witty narration, I could almost feel that same gripping fear each time she took on a challenge - making the commencement speech at her Dartmouth, her alma mater (I wondered briefly if that was why Meredith Grey was from there, hehe), going on the Jimmy Kimmel show, being interviewed by Oprah. Introverts hate being shoved onto centrestage - we relish doing the work behind getting people there, or quietly observing from the sidelines, but we just don't have that desire to be the one being focussed on. Heh. That said, I was also cheered by how she learnt and grew from each experience when she delivered, and the satisfaction from seeing the value she brought to others from it.

It was a truly engaging experience that was such a treat, the closest to actually being in the brain of someone whose talent and mind you admire so much. It definitely changed my impression of audiobooks, such that I am happy to make them a regular feature, not as a substitute for reading, but simply another type of pastime that is a delight to me.

These words in her prologue got me hard, explained exactly the dilemma I face when I write or post anything relating to my mushy soft heart or idealistic dreamy brain. I have to admit, I was already sold after reading that introduction.

"Writing about myself feels a lot like I have just decided to stand up on a table at a very proper restaurant, raise my dress and show everyone that I'm not wearing panties.  

That is to say, it feels shocking.  

It puts the bits of me that I usually keep to myself on display. 

Naughty bits. Secret bits. 

See, I am an introvert. Deep. To the bone. My marrow is introvert marrow. My snot is introvert snot. Every cell in my body screams continuously at me with every word I type that writing this book is an unnatural act.  

A lady never shows her soul outside the boudoir." 

Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes

*Quick note though, if you would like to try this out. It is an opt-out trial, which requires you to set up a monthly membership account to utilise the freebie, and upon the end of the first month, you need to actively cancel the subscription if you don't wish to continue. Otherwise you will be auto-credited every month with a credit to download any book of your choice, with a fixed amount charged to your credit card. Don't say I never say ah. 

My favourite rude English words

I was originally going to title this post as "My favourite English words", and write about those funny words that I just love reading, or saying. They are so apt and conjure up such hilarious imagery, that they never fail to crack me up in those instances.

And then as I started making a list of these words, I realised that the majority of them are just perfect for scolding people who annoy, irritate or disgust you (or rather, me), depending on the context or the character deformity.

Oops. 

Oh well, I did already proclaim that I is not a "nice" person, eh?

At least I never call them these names out loud - these are just unwitting adjectives that float into my consciousness when interacting with such beings, and they really serve three fantastic purposes - firstly, my slightly OCD brain can have a proper label for the offending personnel, and therefore, it helps to somewhat mollify the angst or ire they induced, from the satisfaction of a perfect label (that's the second purpose). Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these auto-reflexes often keep me from imploding at said nuisances, and help re-calibrate my emotional equilibrium.

Who knew that a good vocabulary can offer such utility?

Anyway, here are those famed favourites, in alphabetical order. Feel free to share yours too, I would love to know (and possibly add to the repertoire)! FYI the last one is my absolute fave. Hahaha.

Heh, while I think most of these are pretty self-explanatory, I thought it might be helpful (and fun!) to look up the definitions on my favourite dictionary these days, the Merriam Webster.

Ass-wipe: vulgar slang -  a stupid, annoying, or detestable person. (Plural: asswipes)
Buffoon: a gross and usually ill-educated or stupid person 
Douchebag: an unattractive or offensive person 
Lowlife:  a person of low moral character
Ludicrous:  amusing or laughable through obvious absurdity, incongruity, exaggeration, or eccentricity
Nincompoop: fool, simpleton (related form: nincompoopery)
Numbskull: a thick or muddled head

Going through this list, I laughed but shuddered at how it shows the frequency I meet such persons that these words actually come readily to mind.

Huff and puff

On many occasions on recent days, I look at the backlog of posts I need to complete to get on schedule, and grimaced. What a looong list!

It just seems like a snowball on some days, growing bigger and bigger every day that I miss out on posting.

I suppose I can change my tack and not insist on having a post per day, that will definitely make my life earlier and the heart pump a little less frantically.

But. 

A commitment is a commitment, even if it's a promise made from one to oneself. Especially if so, in fact.

So I shall trudge on, and continue chipping away at my drafts, one day, surely I will be on time, dare I say even ahead of it. That will be the ultimate goal. :D

Did I just bang out a post to lessen the difference, talking about my attempt and mental struggles on this? Possibly, hehehehe. Yet, it truly is a record of how I am not giving up this time.

So let's put this down, for posterity. :)

One full month of blogging!

This post marks a full month of blogging, and I'm pretty stoked at accomplishing that.

Considering that in all my years of posting, I've never managed to publish a post for every day consecutively in a month, it's quite a breakthrough for me. :D

Whiee, so pumped!! :)))) I am really enjoying this, and hoping to keep the practice up. Of course, it's no secret that I was only able to achieve this thanks to blogger's fantastic feature of allowing me to post-date/schedule my blogs, but the end result is that I managed to stick to it and write 31 posts for 31 days, so I'm adamant that it still counts. Hurhurhur.

Am still working on catching up on all my backlog posts, so hopefully I can get back on track soon and be able to actually publish the post ON the intended scheduled date. *sheepish grin*

The one thing that really humbled me through this entire "blog resurrection" exercise is how supportive all my lovely close friends have been - from setting up a feed so that they receive notifications when I post (?!?!), to sharing tips on how they manage to post daily for years and years now, to commenting and replying to my posts regularly (or as much as I post, ahem), it amazes me that these darlings care enough about me, and my writing to actually check in AND read what I write.

The most incredible part: they even tell me they like my writing! That's a tremendous boost to my morale - I know I have a certain grasp of the language, but most of the time, I'm just rambling on and unloading my thoughts into these posts in the way that makes the most sense to me. I do delight in refining my phrases and words such that they best convey what I want to say, and it's most heartening to know that those words bring others pleasure as well when they read it.

You all know who you are, thank you so, so, so much. : ) You have no idea how much your unquestioning support means to me. I only hope to get better, and make your reading experience more enjoyable as well.

P.S: Sorry, didn't mean to make this sound like an Academy award speech! *bows and hurries off the imaginary stage of Ego*

My (anti)social media activity

Definition of social media:
Forms of electronic communication (as websites for social networking and microblogging) through which users create online communities to share information, ideas, personal messages, and other content (as videos)

Merriam-Webster

For a self-proclaimed introvert, it comes as a surprise (to me) that I actually have quite a number of social media subscriptions, particularly when you consider how guarded I am with sharing of information, especially when it pertains to my personal life. That said, I do use my social media with varying degrees of engagement/commitment. My user profile is definitely not the optimal one for each of these media, given the great disparity between the information I consume versus what I actually contribute.

In other words, I am a "taker", not a "giver". :p

Here's an overview of my various social media and how/why I use each of them:

Most frequently used: Instagram 
This is the platform I use most "frequently", and I say that because the term "frequent" is used very loosely when you look at my activity level on the account. I favour insta largely because of its visual nature and user-friendly interface. Other than my annoying Asian habit of taking photos of anything that means something to me, I also have a moderate interest in capturing nice shots or interesting angles of the subjects in my photos, so I do enjoy sharing that occasionally on insta. I must confess that I like the community there too. My account is followed by a mix of friends or friends of friends who also use instagram, and like-minded strangers whom I have never met. Yet, I tend to feel much more comfortable sharing bits of my life on this as opposed to other media where I actually have more connections to people I know in real life. I guess it's because it feels like the people who choose to follow you on instagram had made the conscious decision to do so because they actually like your content, as opposed to those on other platforms who have access to your posts there because they have added you as a "friend". One thing about my insta is also that I hardly ever post "instantly" - more often than not, I post hours, or even days or weeks after the "instant" has occurred, and I only tag my location if it's a holiday picture so that I can remember where the image was captured. I am super weird about privacy, that's why.

Most enjoyable: Snapchat 
This is the account I was most surprised I joined, but it's also the one I possibly enjoy the most, simply because it's just fluffy entertainment 90% of the time. Since I don't tend to reply any of the snaps I view, it's pure diversion for me to view snaps of accounts I find interesting. I do very occasionally post snaps, despite these being truly instantaneous as compared to insta. Firstly since hardly anyone follows me, and they literally last just 24 hours, I somehow feel comfortable with that. That, and really, who could resist those nonsense funny filters? Even AB gets a kick from posing through some of those with me. Heh.

My whini-est: Twitter
I use twitter mostly as a news source, to read about breaking news or articles that might be an interesting read on topics I follow. The occasions that I have used it, more often than not, were to rant or complain about something that irked me so much that I feel inclined to compose a cryptic passive-aggressive rant to dispense into the universe. Or rather, twitterverse. It's basically like shouting into a pillow, but marginally more satisfying. It never fails to amaze me how many people actually read my tweets when I do that, so actually bother to find out what petty issue was bugging me at the time. My friends are such gems.

Most distracting: Dayre
I was gently nudged into setting up an account for this by wondersis while she was in the States. Despite my initial reluctance to start yet another blog when I was barely maintaining the two I already have, I decided to give it a go. The interface does make it easier to post on the go, and I reckoned it might be worth trying out, just to see if it helps me write more, and kick-start the blogging mojo again. And for a while, it really did. I enjoyed how convenient it was to draft posts and the cute stickers available for emoting my content. The general Dayre community is also amazingly supportive and sweet, and I also found myself following quite a few accounts which fascinate me on different levels.

However, that quickly got old, as I got irked by the inflexibility of the app which stump my writing momentum with its word limit, and the tediousness of adjusting my images to fit the square format. It was not completely the app's fault though - it's designed for literally blogging on the fly, whereas I prefer to craft my posts after I have a whole lot of images and content, hence feeling the frustration more. I also found myself spending too much time on the app reading the various accounts I follow, where it was just becoming an easy distraction from other much more constructive things I could be doing, that could actually add real value to my life. That said, I do enjoy using the app, and will continue using it - just in a different way from how I was originally posting there.

Most annoying: Facebook
Truth be told, I ask myself on a nearly daily basis if I should just delete my FB account. I use it to keep up with the lives of friends whom I don't get to see as often as I'd like, and while that's definitely a plus, I get more annoyed by the content and conversations which I have no interest in, and that takes up a good 90% of my feed (and this is after I have unfollowed several people whose posts were really too inane to me). I'm not criticising the people who post, since everyone has the right to choose what you want to share, but honestly, it's just not relevant or interesting to me.

On the other hand, I'm completely mystified by the amount of interest some acquaintances have in my life. These individuals, who send me friend requests that I accept out of politeness, then proceed to stalk my activities and ask me the most random things about them that frankly, shouldn't concern them at all, simply drive me nuts. Mind you, these are often not even posts I shared or posted, but simply a like or even RSVP to an event which they themselves are not involved in. It's a logic that's frankly, beyond my comprehension. Like, WHY? Don't you have anything better to do??

Hmm, maybe this deserves a tweet. :p

The ultimate bo-bian (no choice): LinkedIn
Doing what I do, and the fact that social media is only going to get more prevalent, it really was a no-brainer that I needed an account for this, which at times feels like the professional version of FB. Honestly I am pretty ambivalent towards it - I can see how useful it is and can be, and probably should make more of an effort to be more active and proactive on it, but I am just still avoiding that for as long as I could, cause it's just too much work (back to my limited time, much more interesting/useful things I can do with it theory). In the meantime, I shall do the minimal of keeping my profile updated and liking and sharing posts that are broadcast by my firm's LinkedIn account, Let's hope that the day I would be forced to actually upkeep an active profile on this space comes later than sooner. Much, much later (preferably never) will be the best case scenario.

******************

Sometimes I feel like a walking paradox - I work in the communications field, but yet I often shy away from interacting with a large group of people, especially in the non-professional aspects of my life. I guess the main reason behind that is just that I enjoy communication, but it needs to be meaningful (to me). That in turn drives my strong preference for one-to-one or small group dynamics, as opposed to being part of a wider group. When any group size exceeds 6-8 people (and that's a stretch for me already), I find that the quality of real interaction is compromised to the extent that I don't gain much real value out of it, other than the general energy level of a group, which is nice for select occasions, but not most. Since I am also largely an introvert where my energy gets sapped by others, you can imagine how much I shy away from big groups in general.

So there you have it, a lowdown on my various (anti)social media. With the speed that technology evolves and advances these days, I won't be surprised if this list gets revised or amended/culled within a year. Until then, I shall continue on my merry antisocial sharing as I deem fit my lifestyle and preferences. ;)

On decisions

Decisions, choices, options, alternatives... Seems like there's just no escaping them no matter where you turn. Think about it and you'll realise that every single thing you do is the outcome of your decision-making. Granted that many times these are carried out unconsciously, or sub-consciously, but isn't it true that even when you are doing the most routine habits in "auto-pilot" fashion, it IS a manifestation of your in-built system, programed by yourself? Hmm, hope I haven't lost you. :p

I hate making decisions. Okay, those auto-pilot ones aside, I often find myself grappling with decision-making from the teeniest thing like what to have for lunch, to major ones like what I really want to do in life. Perhaps due to my typical Gemini personality, I'm constantly in a struggle to force myself to make choices.. Simply because most of the time, I'm faced with so many alternatives that I find myself either pulled in all directions, or standing in the middle just undecided about which one I really want.. On good days, I sometimes enjoy the process of going through the methodical process of decision making: identification of issue> List of alternatives> Analysis of alternatives > Decision making by means of prioritisation and elimination.. blah, blah, blah. It's actually pretty invigorating to dissect and re-arrange a flurry of thoughts into some semblance of order. When I'm in the mood to do so. On bad days, I just ostrich-ise and choose to ignore problems.  

Perhaps sometimes I can come across as not having a mind of my own.. Well I will admit I was never a dominant figure who thrives on being a leader of the pack. Many a times, I prefer letting the rest of the group make decisions and go along with it.. Up to you to decide whether I'm really easygoing, or just a crowd-follower with no opinions. :p

(bmuse, 2005) 

I find it rather amusing that the above was an incomplete draft crafted way back in 2005! Can I be shameless and say that I think I was a very mature and sensible 24-year-old, since I still feel the same today for most of the above? Either that, or I would have to concede that I have simply stagnated and not made much progress in my so-called character development over the span of more than a decade. Eeps. 

No, wait. On most days now I no longer agonise over my lunch choices - I simply eat almost the same few options daily - although that still happens for dinner sometimes. More importantly, I do have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life. Pheww. I feel better now.

Well actually, one enlightenment I have gleaned over the years that I can contribute is this: I've learnt that usually when I go with someone else or the majority's preference, it's not because I don't have my opinion, but simply put, the matter at hand is not of sufficient importance that I feel the compulsion to make a case for my own desires. It's exactly why it takes a lot for me to blow up or pick a fight with anyone - more often than not, minor irritations are deemed too trivial to contend over. It's simply a waste of time and effort, so I just let it slide instead and go on my merry way. Well, occasionally I do take offense, but just silently pass judgment and choose not to associate with said irritation as much as I could going forward.

Like I said, everything is a decision. And I choose peace and joy over conflict and angst, 9 times out of 10. These are not really tough decisions though, they barely require any teeth-gnashing at all - it's mostly just how I am programmed.

I hope I would still be like that, another 10 years on.

My love affair with words

Growing up, I was that child who simply LOVED learning, especially language and words. I delighted in learning the names for everything - parts of my anatomy, actions, things, people. The alphabet as well as the different strokes making up Chinese words, were simply magic to me in how they group to form countless words and characters that helped me make sense of the world around me, and communicate with others.

I revelled in feeling each syllabus, consonant and vowel roll off my tongue, as much as the "zh, ch, mh, fh" of Mandarin.

While my brother, older than me by three years, exasperated the mother by having the attention span of a goldfish when she tried to read to him, I sat by their side, enraptured by the stories she read to him, soaking everything up like a thirsty sponge.

And that was the beginning of my deep love for words. I was spellbound by the fictional world, and later the non-fictional one. Stories of romance, fantasy, adventure, survival and mystery enthrall me no end, and entice me from normal life all too often. I bury my nose in books wherever and whenever I could, ever yearning to read more, learn more, laugh, cry and frown in the magical tales spun from writers' pens.

From this love of reading, came the love of writing. That was my favoured mode of communication as a borderline introvert - while I enjoy conversation and getting to know others, I much prefer listening and observing, rather than sharing my own thoughts and opinions. As such, I find much more comfort in writing, where I can express myself better, often with the luxury of time to find the perfect words to describe what I was trying to relate. The eternal dreamer in me also love transforming the images and events from my fantasy world onto words. There is a great satisfaction that comes from getting a phrase just the way I imagined - you can almost hear the "click" as it all falls beautifully into place.

This love of writing is what drives my blogging. I love creating with language and words, a figment of my mind that I don't mind sharing with the world. I constantly walk the balance between what I'd like to share, versus what I would prefer to hold close to my heart, like secrets with myself, or a very choice group. Another reason which compels me to blog, is just for posterity - to mark for myself, what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing at this point in my life. Sure I have my memories, but those are not the most dependable. The greatest moments will etch themselves deep in your mind, but without some form of record, you may forget some of the precious details that make that moment so wondrous. Those other slightly less momentous ones that are no less magical, could use some help from writing to be remembered and savoured again. The little pleasures, and beauty in life.

That, is what kept me from giving up on blogging. It will never be replaced by other social media platforms, which are more convenient or time-efficient, but lack the freedom to create as I like, without character limit or the need for visuals all the time.

After all the time I had been gone, I have lots to catch up on, but it's never too late to start, again. And this time, I will make a proper attempt to do so. Because it is what I enjoy, and I'd like to do it more.

It's a love that's constant, and ever reliable. I'm a little rusty no doubt, but as with all skills, time and more practice will make this a little smoother, slowly but surely.

Thank you for always being there for me my love, I promise to be more present now. :)