Crystal clarity

Doubt, and go on doubting until you come to a point that you cannot doubt anymore. And you cannot doubt anymore only when you come to know something on your own. Then there is no question of doubt, there is no way to doubt. 

Living Dangerously, Osho 

Whilst I always tend to favour fiction in my readings, I have started venturing into the non-fictional genre more in past years. Philosophy is one of these newish areas of interest, although reads like these take wayyy longer than the light fluffy stuff. I can't speedread these as I often had to pause and reflect on what's being said.

Still slowly making my way through this book, but this paragraph struck me. It made me realise that oftentimes I do practice that, even when it's not a conscientious act. 

I tend to make decisions and conclusions based on instinct, almost always independently. Reflecting on this text revealed to me that while it may have seemed even to myself that I relied solely on my gut, I do deliberate internally until I reach a state of clarity when I've eliminated all doubts, to my satisfaction. However, it can be tough to explain exactly what gives me the certainty to others, particularly when it comes to issues related to emotions rather than facts. This realisation does provide a reassuring boost to my decision making skills, heh. 

Osho is known to emphasize personal responsibility and freedom after all, and this definitely serves as a stark focus on self-assessment. I'm comforted to affirm that I do have a good hold of that, even if it's less intention and more instinct. 

Rant: Unspoken rules

I was livid earlier last week, and hated it. Not for my anger (some displeasures are warranted if one's principles or priorities are compromised), but more because it reflected a poor call of judgment on my part, and even more because the party who caused it was so nonchalant that it made me question myself if I was being petty.

So here is the petty tale:

A colleague returned me a paperback I had loaned her some nine months ago, with the poor book looking much worse for wear than the condition in which I had passed it to her. Sure, it wasn't in mint condition, but I was also dead sure it didn't look like I had dropped it in a bath or tossed it into an empty check-in luggage for a 20-hour flight with three layovers in between.

The woman didn't even had the cheek to pass it back to me in person, but left it on my desk while I was away.

And we sit in the same room, mind you.

W.T.F.

When I first saw the book on the table, it had taken a good five seconds to recognise that this piece of giam cai (dialect for salted mustard, a Chinese pickle that look like what a leafy veggie would look if you soaked it in brine for months - all wrinkly and scrunched up) is the book that I had, against my better judgment, loaned to her. You see, I am quite the selfish bookworm, I only lend my books to my closest friends. However, during a random chat, she was raving about the movie adaptation and how she really wanted to read the original book that the film was based on, and I thought, no harm since it wasn't exactly a prized possession. One should be a friendly colleague and trust other humans sometimes.

Big mistake. Pfft.

The aftermath: I spent a good half day texting and ranting about this to my closest galfriends, who were obviously equally appalled, and that helped soothe the ire a little - just this reassurance that I wasn't overreacting. These are people who take great care of their books, and handle loans with even more care and painstaking caution, from putting them in ziplock bags if they are commuting with these, to replacing a book if they so much as accidentally bent a tiny corner.

I started to understand why they say "Your vibe attracts your tribe." This was my tribe true and true, the fist-shaking bunch of book-lovers who cry murder if you deface a book with no good reason.

If you are shaking your head in bafflement while reading this post, please let me know. Not so I can explain to you the intricacies of what is wrong, but because we really need to reconsider our friendship (if I know you in real life). If we don't know each other, you can assure yourself that I am one of those annoying OCD types who is not worth knowing. :D

But yes, there you have it. There are unspoken rules that you may breach unknowingly in situations like these. There is no defense in saying "You didn't tell me this was unacceptable", simply because it is considered such a basic form of courtesy or respect for another being, that I didn't expect it necessary to state the conditions for a book loan.

If you don't understand that, you probably never will. *shrug*

And that's my petty tale. The irony? A few days later, a dear friend returned me a book she had loaned from me some 12 years ago. We used to see each other more often, but our busy schedules and her new and young family just made catching up much rarer in recent years. Yet, the book, which had gone through two house moves and raising three little infants/toddlers, was in the exact condition that I had passed it to her more than a decade ago.

You see now why I love my friends? 💕💕💕

About mortality and Truth

When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi

At the age of thirty-six, on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training as a neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. One day he was a doctor making a living treating the dying, and the next he was a patient struggling to live. 

When Breath Becomes Air chronicles Kalanathi's transformation from a medical student in search of what makes a virtuous and meaningful life into a neurosurgeon working in the core of human identity - the brain - and finally into a patient and a new father.

Finally finished this book that I had started eons ago. It had nothing to do with the writing though - I thoroughly enjoyed the clear, concise yet gripping way the author narrated his thoughts and emotions. Even in the bleakest parts of the book, I liked that he presented his thoughts in a very factual manner, dissecting his reactions, and never over-dramatising it with emotive or melancholic phrasing.

I had been initially interested in this book for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it was an account of a person coming to terms with mortality, something that I had been fascinated with since my youth. As a child, I was one who was exposed to it at an extremely young age, with all my grandparents passing away between the time I was one and three years old. I find it odd when people tell me now that children don't understand the concept of death, because I definitely remembering myself understanding fully what it meant - that a person has come to the end of his physical lifespan on earth, and his physical being no longer functions. His heart no longer beats, and his consciousness thus ends, so he ceases to be. It terrified me no end, and brought me so much sadness as a two-year-old losing her grandfather, one of the key figures in my life at the time. To this day I still feel the grief. As I got older, I am no longer afraid of death, but it does remind me that our time on this earth is finite. This helps to shape how I make a lot of decisions in life, in managing my choices such that I don't spend time on unnecessary angst and worry, while maximising time in being a constructive being who treasures the relationships that matter. Reading a personal account of someone who had to face imminent death at an age that seems far too young for a life with so much promise, was also a stark reminder of that.

I was also quite fascinated by his profession as an aspiring neurosurgeon. I've never been inclined towards a career in medicine - while I was not fearful of blood, I do cringe inwardly at the sight of it so the thought of cutting people up and doing things to their organs and bones, even if it's to help them, was never something that appealed to me. My initial perception of neurosurgery was only that it involves operating with the brain, which must be the most daunting specialisation I've ever known. I couldn't imagine ever bearing that sort of a responsibility not only on a person's survival, but how they might be to think, move and behave. Reading about his inspiration and motivation to go into this field has been most enlightening, and I have even greater respect for neurosurgeons than I had before.

The words in this book which left the deepest impression, was his take on truth. This was something that I've often thought about, had been on my mind in recent months especially with certain events, where I realised that the power of perception, combined with the amount of information one gets exposed to, in shaping a person's understanding and view of an event or situation. It is such an important thing to bear in mind: that your truth may not be someone else's truth, and will never be the whole and absolute truth. We would all do well to bear that in mind when casting judgments on anyone and anything we encounter.

"Struggle toward the capital-T Truth, but recognise that the task is impossible - or that if a correct answer is possible, verification certainly is impossible.  

In the end, it cannot be doubted that each of us can only see a part of the picture. The doctor sees one, the patient another, the engineer a third, the economist a fourth, the pearl diver a fifth, the alcoholic a sixth, the cable guy a seventh, the sheep farmer an eighth, the Indian beggar a ninth, the pastor a tenth. Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete. And Truth comes somewhere above all of them." 

When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi

(Audiobook) Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes: You had me at the Prologue

Being a huge fan of reading, especially of physical hard copies of books, it took me a long time to warm to the concept of audio books. 

You see, I enjoy the whole process of reading almost as much as experiencing the story or the ideas presented by the author. I love having those words magically transform into scenes projected onto the screen of my mind, with imaginary voices bringing the dialogues to life, the product of another person's genius and imagination.

It's a magical, intimate world. 

As such, I had no inclination to listen to another person narrate these stories and taint the visuals I would have imagined myself. Where's the fun in that??

I did eventually try it out, via a trial offer* on Audible by Amazon, where you get to download one book of your choice, free of charge. What intrigued me was when I learnt that some of these books were actually being narrated by their authors. That piqued my interest. While I still wasn't interested in hearing the audio renditions of the fictional genres (what can I say, I prefer the sound of my own voice, hurhur), I thought it would be interesting to hear authors say the words they created, exactly the way they were intended to be conveyed, especially for biographies.

It didn't take much deliberation to decide on the free book I wanted to try - Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes.

This woman needs no introduction, at least to me. Mainly because I am no stranger to her productions, Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. Being a huge fan of the shows, I was enthralled by her storytelling prowess (although it took me a long time to forgive her for killing McDreamy :p), and was most keen to hear her in person, sharing her thoughts.

Little did I expect to enjoy the book as much as I would. Rhimes was indeed Queen of storytelling, and it was a joy to listen to her regale the reader/audience on how she decided to challenge herself to get out of her comfort zone and embrace life truly, by saying "Yes" to anything that terrified, challenged or taunted her, for a year.

It surprised me to learn that she was an extreme introvert, which probably also explained why I could identify with her on many of her accounts. Personally I am a borderline introvert everytime I take a test to see where I place on the spectrum, but those struggles she described, how she loved being the mastermind behind the scenes, yet just as easily lose her wits at any prospect where she is put in the spotlight, are experiences that hit home for me as well.

With her witty narration, I could almost feel that same gripping fear each time she took on a challenge - making the commencement speech at her Dartmouth, her alma mater (I wondered briefly if that was why Meredith Grey was from there, hehe), going on the Jimmy Kimmel show, being interviewed by Oprah. Introverts hate being shoved onto centrestage - we relish doing the work behind getting people there, or quietly observing from the sidelines, but we just don't have that desire to be the one being focussed on. Heh. That said, I was also cheered by how she learnt and grew from each experience when she delivered, and the satisfaction from seeing the value she brought to others from it.

It was a truly engaging experience that was such a treat, the closest to actually being in the brain of someone whose talent and mind you admire so much. It definitely changed my impression of audiobooks, such that I am happy to make them a regular feature, not as a substitute for reading, but simply another type of pastime that is a delight to me.

These words in her prologue got me hard, explained exactly the dilemma I face when I write or post anything relating to my mushy soft heart or idealistic dreamy brain. I have to admit, I was already sold after reading that introduction.

"Writing about myself feels a lot like I have just decided to stand up on a table at a very proper restaurant, raise my dress and show everyone that I'm not wearing panties.  

That is to say, it feels shocking.  

It puts the bits of me that I usually keep to myself on display. 

Naughty bits. Secret bits. 

See, I am an introvert. Deep. To the bone. My marrow is introvert marrow. My snot is introvert snot. Every cell in my body screams continuously at me with every word I type that writing this book is an unnatural act.  

A lady never shows her soul outside the boudoir." 

Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes

*Quick note though, if you would like to try this out. It is an opt-out trial, which requires you to set up a monthly membership account to utilise the freebie, and upon the end of the first month, you need to actively cancel the subscription if you don't wish to continue. Otherwise you will be auto-credited every month with a credit to download any book of your choice, with a fixed amount charged to your credit card. Don't say I never say ah. 

on the wagon

Joining what seems like almost the whole world, I finally pottered over the weekend.

Thanks to dear bf for the gift. :)

It was a gripping read, engaging enough for me to lose myself in it, eyes flying over the words as I devoured the final tale in the series.

I like the ending, and I enjoyed the writing - that's all I shall say about it. No spoilers or giveaways, cos my own experience was kinda marred by a huge one that I chanced upon. :p

Now I shall endeavour to re-read the entire series, just to clear up all those hazy spots over which I racked my brains to recall!

fantasy-struck

Having only recently ventured into the fantasy genre in my reading, thus far bemusedtots had been lacking in much zeal in it. Perhaps due to a poor choice/luck in the books that I've been picking up - often it takes triple the amount of time to go from cover to cover. Should this bookworm chance upon another read midway through, the odds are high that this other diversion would be completed earlier.

But this latest foray into that make-belief world was an absolute delight.. Such that I hardly even felt inclined to read the other books on my bedside! Even the sheer volume did naught to put me off, though it gave the sister a shock to see it laying on the bed, almost the same thickness of my bolster it was, no kidding.

As I ploughed diligently through the volume the past few days, I'm starting to appreciate the appeal it has to fans.. I could seriously like this stuff, getting captivated and happily lost in the whimsical stories.

Did I mention the fact that I got it at a steal of $5 at some book sale? Definitely value for money - whether you're talking about volume, or satisfaction delivered. :p

I shall probably seek the advice of experts for subsequent reads as interesting as this. Hee.

[fascinated]