2022: Of losses and gains

That truly sums up this year for me. 

It's an understatement to say it's been a big year for me. Fairer descriptions would include monumental, epic, pivotal (eww), dramatic, earth-shattering, etc. You get the gist. Definitely one for the books and not for the faint of heart. 

Grief featured prominently for me this year (9 out of 12 months counts as prominent, methinks) and in the form of some huge (and some near) losses. Some I've had time to mentally prepare for, like losing my dad to cancer; and others were sprung upon me like a rug being pulled out from right under my feet. There's no way to determine which is the lesser of two evils - both are equally undesirable circumstances that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. 

With the grief comes heartbreak and sadness perpetuated by too many tears shed, and there were moments that just felt like endless stretches of darkness where I felt like couldn't see anything even if I held my hand up to my face. I caught brief glimpses of what it's potentially like for a person stuck in chronic depression, and it was truly a dismal feeling that just sucks all the life out of you. I really feel for people who have to endure this for extensive periods - that is certainly not a sustainable way to exist.  

But the eternal optimist in me always prevails. Or rather, I always refuse to just let a negative situation be just that - there has to always be something(s) good coming out of it to not make all the pain a waste.

SO. 

What makes this year the biggest one ever (so far) in my life, was all the love, light, sunshine, starbursts and rainbows that came through. They shone even more brightly next to the darkness and I truly felt more alive than ever at the end of it. I learnt lessons like how strong I truly am, resolved some deep-seated resentment and issues I had with my dad before he passed, picked up cycling in a way I never imagined I could/would (and fell crazy in love with it), and finally, properly learnt to love life savoring every moment and sunny day that comes by. 

Through it all, I was reminded once again, that I was never alone - that I was so blessed to have such an amazing group of friends, always there for me in their different ways. More incredibly, these are friendships of varying vintages, from the ones I've grown up with since we were toddlers/teens, to friends made while we were all young adults learning to navigate adulthood, and even new friends whom I've only gotten to know in the past year or so. 

Yet, all of them were equally protective, fiercely so, unwaveringly loyal, and steadfastly committed to wrapping me tightly in their love and concern, in their individual unique manner. 

I'd like to think that good fortunes aside, I must be at least a pretty decent friend to them too, to deserve such love. :D

This year, I have so much to give thanks for, and I end it with the most immense gratitude in my heart and from deep, deep in my soul. 

Dear friends (and self), thank you for loving me so much and so well. May we all thrive together for the new year.

You truly are the best things in life. I love you. See you in 2023. 

Thanksgiving: the art of letting go

Some friendships you let go as they run their course. Your lives are going in different directions, and you acknowledge that like it or not, you are not on their list of priorities anymore. As much as I'm all about agape love, there comes a point where I have to acknowledge that I am only human, and I have only limited time and attention for people in my life, there is no point in keeping these unrequited relationships. So you just stop trying, and let the connection fade with time.

Some friendships you let go for your own sanity and benefit. You realise eventually that having these people who are willing to be in your life, actually does more harm than good, and potentially can wreak more havoc, unwittingly, or not. So you take a breath, let the mind overrule the heart, and lock them out.

Then there are some friendships you let go, for their good. You know that staying in their lives, for whatever reason, is no longer adding value to them, and may even end up hurting them. So you steel your heart, and stride out of their lives, knowing that the best way to love them is from where you stand now - from a distance. 

Such is life - people come and go, and everything happens for a reason. At the end of it, I just learn to take it all in, and most importantly, be thankful - for the memories and the love while I had them, and for the friendships that have stood the test of time, year after year after year. 

As I learn to get better at letting go, I learn to be grateful for those who made the effort, and fight to keep our bonds alive, no matter how much time, life and distance gets in the way. 💖

The expert time waster

That's me, usually 80% of the time, but these days it feels like 120% of the time.

The cycle is always almost identical each time - I have a grand plan of each task and project I need to do, with a reasonable timeline and the exact steps required to get there.

Then I just sit around and allow myself to be distracted - no, scratch that, I intentionally seek out various random, nonsensical distractions to deviate from that well constructed plan. All the way till I have no time left and scramble at 100% to get everything done, and scrape by at the last minute by the skin of my teeth.

UGH. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.

This procrastination monkey problem is now a full blown infestation and it just feels like I am both the parent and the child in my life situation, and both are out of control at the moment.

Irks the hell outta me, but that rebellious inner kid has just been given her way for too long. Plus, as much as I used to breezily laugh at myself, shrugging, "Oh well, I thrive on adrenaline!" I am getting sick of this sillyness. That's not the right way to live, literally wasting my life away.

So I am pulling an intervention, on myself.

This has to stop. Today. No more.

I refuse to let myself become the type of parent I abhor.

*marches off with resolve* Will report back on progress in two weeks.

P.s: See, this is why I can't see myself having children - how can I be responsible for bringing up another person when I can't even have a proper handle on myself?!

somber

As the nation celebrated its 42nd birthday last week, a tinge of grey enfolded the family with the passing of a kin.

A phonecall from an aunt brought the dismal news - that my cousin-in-law had succumbed to the dreaded year-old battle with final stage cancer which she was diagnosed with last year.

Quietly, most of the family turned up at the wake to offer our condolences. The uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. This is a rare time that the entire extended family gathered. And while it gave us the chance to update one another on our lives, the reason behind it was one never welcomed.

The cousin was one of my favourites, this tall, lanky kor kor who doted on lil me whenever I visited or stayed over during primary school times. However, while I used to play with the cousins quite frequently in kiddy years, we have grown quite apart as they all get married and started their own families.

I had to think hard to recall the cousin-in-law's looks, but the sight of the photograph immediately unleashed a flood of memories - of how we used to marvel at the resemblence between husband and wife, that gentle soft-spoken lady I saw during Chinese New Year and other festivities.

My eyes stung as my uncle related her final days, of how her condition had improved immensely, only to take an abrupt turn for the worse as her body rejected the chemotherapy she was subjected to. I heard the pain in his voice, the grief at the loss of a daughter-in-law who, in the midst of immense discomfort, still struggled to greet him whenever he visited.

My heart broke when I saw my cousin, valiantly holding himself together during the funeral proceedings, his sad smile of appreciation at our attendance, softly announcing our presence to his departed wife as we made our offerings at the altar. I ached when I saw his sunken cheeks, his haggard body, that haunting look in his eyes.

As I paid my final respects to this cousin-in-law I never got to know better, I offered a heartfelt, fervent prayer. May the departed find peace, and the survived find strength. The sole responsibility of bringing up their two young children will now weigh heavily on him, and it will be a rough journey ahead. So strength, loads of it, he will need.

tongue-in-cheek, or not?

In the midst of an eventful week, I had the privilege of experiencing some platinum customer service experience..

Imagine..

Your credit card company calls to offer you a complimentary account upgrade, with five times the amount of rewards earned, and five times the validity period. In addition, your current points, about to expire, would be carried forward and granted the same extended validity.

You gladly accepted, not knowing what you were in for.

For the next four months, you find yourself having to make numerous calls to enquire on the status of this upgrade, receiving not a squeak after that, save for two additional calls from different persons with the exact same offer.

Your card finally arrives. Your points, which expired, were not brought over.

No longer trusting the 24-hour phone banking service, you wrote in to request for reinstatement of the points as promised, explaining the entire sequence of events in an extremely civil tone.

Three days after your message was sent, you receive a reply saying that the points were reinstated, with the request to redeem them 'as soon as possible'.

Six days after, you receive a reminder to redeem these reinstated points within the next seven days, or they will expire. The same points that expired due to their inefficiency, which you were promised an extension to five-year validity.

You only see these two messages a day before the supposed expiry date. Throughout, there was not a single direct call to placate or update you.

Sounds ridiculous?

With sillybank, it's not that hard to imagine.

:p

Meow.

[catty]

whine

it's not even Monday, and already I'm counting down to the end of the day.

thank god for May Day hol this week - a sure consolation..
Now if only we can fast forward Mon and go straight to Tues! Ha.

[blue]