Wednesday, March 01, 2017

The one that got away: the man child

Disclaimer: In case you missed my "introduction" to this series, read here for the context of why I named it so. 

Somehow, I thought it would be apt for my first entry to be about Z - after all, he was the one I was dating shortly after I started this blog all those years ago. He was also the reason I stopped blogging back then, and announced that I would no longer update.

Why a man child? Simply because this was a full grown man, clearly intelligent and a strong performer in his career, with a nice close-knit group of friends who are of decent character and upbringing. Yet, he has the emotional intelligence of a child - to be more specific, a brat.

This is a man who used to throw tantrums over the most ridiculous things, simply because he wanted to be cajoled. He turned up at gatherings with my friends with nary an attempt at getting to know them better, and even worse, showed a sourpuss face the entire time, answering any questions aimed at getting to know him better with short one-worded grunts. After two or three of these occurrences, I stopped asking him to come along, upon which he then flies into a rage whenever I met them instead of spending time with him. Essentially any behaviour of mine that doesn't seem to put him as my number 1 priority drew the question, "If you really love me, why would/wouldn't you do that?" Yes, really. I should also point out that while he felt entitled to be rude to my friends, I was expected to turn up for his outings and be nice to his mates. Double standards much? Yep, many times over.

He knew I had this blog, and would often check and read it not only out of interest about my thoughts and writing, but to question me about the most random things I wrote which somehow offended and supposedly were "attacks" on him. Needless to say, when he discovered that I had one other blog on which I use to track my workouts as well as post other content more personal than what's shared here, he completely lost it for an entire week. Well, thank goodness he didn't read those locked entries which are not visible - love Livejournal's function for that, when people won't even know if you posted content not meant for their viewing. Hurhurhur. But yes, that was what brought about me "suspending" this content - I just no longer had the energy to defend accusations that I was posting "pseudo" content here so that he wouldn't know to look for my other blog and posts. Zzzz.

Is it curious why I stuck with this dude for a painful four years since I was clearly not brimming over with happiness? Yes definitely, and I sometimes still feel like knocking myself on the head for not leaving three months into it when his tyrannical nature started rearing its ugly head. Yet, I guess it's an experiment or challenge of sorts to me - we met at a time when I was seriously questioning myself on my inability to stay in a relationship, having dated and left four guys before him. I looked at the happy relationships around me and wondered if I was really just unlucky with men, or was I the real problem, that I didn't try hard enough to commit to making it work. And that's what I did with Z. It all kinda worked, until one day when I realised that my reaction to a slight suspicion that he might propose marriage soon, was one of horror and paralysing fear.

My "fight or flight" instincts kicked in, and I was overcome by the urge to run away as far as I could, so I could have the headspace and distance to sort myself out. Didn't matter that we were long-distance at the time, I needed to get away from everything. That was my very first trip to the States, and it was definitely what I needed. I went around mostly on my own, spending hours walking around just checking shops out and sitting in cafes with a cuppa, no firm agenda in mind, just countless conversations with myself. It was the therapy I needed, to acknowledge to myself that YES, I am capable of committing to a relationship no matter what, but it really needs to be the right person. It's kinda not worth all that sacrifice if you can't even muster a modicum of decent respect, affection or trust with your partner. Obviously in this case, it was Z.

Once that was all figured out, I called it out with him over the phone, and for the first and last time, refused to back down from his threats, tantrums, blackmail, nasty comments, and finally sweet-talking promises to change his ways. No more, dude. I had enough. It took a good six months for us to finally, officially call it quits, which is exactly how headstrong and persistent Z is, and why I was often worn down in the past to just give in and stay, but having cleared the cobwebs from my mind, I wasn't going to let him win another battle of wills. To this day, I still feel immense relief that I am no longer with him, as do the closest friends, and that is the best proof that it's the right decision I made.

And thus, I concluded that I am just indeed unlucky with men, but that's really ok too. I don't need one, as much as I needed to be happy. That, I can do, and quite well too by myself. :)


imp said...

Z was/is really STRANGE. So glad I didn't have the pleasure of seeing his face. I might have considered murdering him.

b.muse said...

@imp: I'm glad you never got to meet him, how amazing! Although I have him to thank for actually being the catalyst for our friendship! ;)

nua-ster said...

boy am i glad u got away from this one!!!

@imp u would have wanted to punch him cos his face is just asking for it (the fist).. *roll eyes*

imp said...

@nua-ster: LUCKILY FOR HIM, I didn't meet him. :PppPP

@b.muse: I doubt that's gonna redeem him very much. hmmmpf.