On decisions

Decisions, choices, options, alternatives... Seems like there's just no escaping them no matter where you turn. Think about it and you'll realise that every single thing you do is the outcome of your decision-making. Granted that many times these are carried out unconsciously, or sub-consciously, but isn't it true that even when you are doing the most routine habits in "auto-pilot" fashion, it IS a manifestation of your in-built system, programed by yourself? Hmm, hope I haven't lost you. :p

I hate making decisions. Okay, those auto-pilot ones aside, I often find myself grappling with decision-making from the teeniest thing like what to have for lunch, to major ones like what I really want to do in life. Perhaps due to my typical Gemini personality, I'm constantly in a struggle to force myself to make choices.. Simply because most of the time, I'm faced with so many alternatives that I find myself either pulled in all directions, or standing in the middle just undecided about which one I really want.. On good days, I sometimes enjoy the process of going through the methodical process of decision making: identification of issue> List of alternatives> Analysis of alternatives > Decision making by means of prioritisation and elimination.. blah, blah, blah. It's actually pretty invigorating to dissect and re-arrange a flurry of thoughts into some semblance of order. When I'm in the mood to do so. On bad days, I just ostrich-ise and choose to ignore problems.  

Perhaps sometimes I can come across as not having a mind of my own.. Well I will admit I was never a dominant figure who thrives on being a leader of the pack. Many a times, I prefer letting the rest of the group make decisions and go along with it.. Up to you to decide whether I'm really easygoing, or just a crowd-follower with no opinions. :p

(bmuse, 2005) 

I find it rather amusing that the above was an incomplete draft crafted way back in 2005! Can I be shameless and say that I think I was a very mature and sensible 24-year-old, since I still feel the same today for most of the above? Either that, or I would have to concede that I have simply stagnated and not made much progress in my so-called character development over the span of more than a decade. Eeps. 

No, wait. On most days now I no longer agonise over my lunch choices - I simply eat almost the same few options daily - although that still happens for dinner sometimes. More importantly, I do have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with my life. Pheww. I feel better now.

Well actually, one enlightenment I have gleaned over the years that I can contribute is this: I've learnt that usually when I go with someone else or the majority's preference, it's not because I don't have my opinion, but simply put, the matter at hand is not of sufficient importance that I feel the compulsion to make a case for my own desires. It's exactly why it takes a lot for me to blow up or pick a fight with anyone - more often than not, minor irritations are deemed too trivial to contend over. It's simply a waste of time and effort, so I just let it slide instead and go on my merry way. Well, occasionally I do take offense, but just silently pass judgment and choose not to associate with said irritation as much as I could going forward.

Like I said, everything is a decision. And I choose peace and joy over conflict and angst, 9 times out of 10. These are not really tough decisions though, they barely require any teeth-gnashing at all - it's mostly just how I am programmed.

I hope I would still be like that, another 10 years on.